Living Inside My Own Ghost
by racefh853629
Summary: "All he could do was lie there, in the alley, in the cold. Waiting for someone to find him. Or, worse, waiting to die." Features dark themes, will also feature from Chicago Fire and Chicago Med characters from time to time.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I don't own Chicago PD, Chicago Fire (random characters mentioned here and there), Chicago Med (random characters mentioned here and there), or any other known entity. The story title comes from the song, "Pieces of Me" by 3 Doors Down, which I also don't own. This is a story that will get rather dark at times, so please be advised while reading it. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

One

He wasn't sure how it got to this point.

Lying alone in a dark alley, on his back, struggling for every breath.

His head was throbbing, and he was certain that the puddle growing beneath him wasn't water. His eyes wouldn't open, mostly because they now _couldn't_ , being so swollen that there was no longer any room to separate. His inability to breathe told him that he had _at_ _least_ one broken rib, if not more. He couldn't feel his legs at the moment, and while he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, he _did_ have a pretty good idea what he'd be feeling if he _could_.

Pain. And a lot of it.

He felt trapped inside of his body and mind, almost paralyzed. He couldn't even move enough to get to his phone, which was only a few inches away from his fingertips. All he could do was lie there, in the alley, in the cold. Waiting for someone to find him.

Or, worse, waiting to die.

* * *

Halstead hadn't made it in yet.

It wasn't like the former Army Ranger to ever be late without a damn good reason. And for Halstead to not be answering his phone…

Something was wrong.

Hank glanced around the office, realizing that the rest of his team was following up on leads on their current case. All except Erin, that was, as she was staring blankly at her computer screen and glancing frequently at her phone. Hank knew why she was distracted.

Because Halstead hadn't made it in yet.

* * *

Cold.

That was all Jay could register now. Just how cold his body was. He would shiver if he could, but his body wouldn't react to anything anymore. Nothing would move. And that was when the realization hit him.

He was going to die here. Alone. Cold. And watching the tiny piece of him that was holding onto the dimmest flicker of hope slowly being extinguished.

And then he heard them.

Footsteps.

Jay wasn't sure whether he should fear them, or welcome them. Footsteps meant that someone had found him, but he couldn't be certain if it was friend or foe. And if it was the latter, he definitely was no longer in a position to defend himself.

"Oh, man," a voice he recognized said.

He couldn't place the voice, though. He knew that he _should_ know it, but for the life (or death, maybe more appropriately) of him, he couldn't put it together. Until he heard the man speak again.

"This is Lieutenant Kelly Severide, CFD. I need an ambulance…"

 _Figures,_ Jay thought to himself. Had _to be someone from 51._

"Jay, man, can you hear me?"

Jay felt Severide's hand on his chest, the warmth almost painful all on its own. Jay groaned softly in response.

"Stay with me, man. Alright? Help's on the way."

Jay attempted to respond, but wasn't really able to. He heard his phone ringing for what had to be the hundredth time in the last… who knows how long anymore, because he had surely lost track at this point. Unlike the other 99 times, though, this time Severide answered it for him.

"Voight," Jay heard Severide say into his phone. "I'm with Halstead here, but he's hurt pretty bad."

Jay felt Severide attempting to either assess or tie off some of Jay's wounds, but he wasn't sure whether or not it was going to help. Nor could he even feel enough to ascertain _what_ , exactly, Severide was doing…

"Ambulance should be here soon," Severide continued.

 _Is he talking to me, or the phone?_ Jay thought to himself.

Jay never got an answer, though, as he, and the cold, drifted away.

* * *

He could've been sleeping.

He wasn't, though. Or, at least, not really. But he _looked_ like he was.

Dr. Rhodes explained it in the usual medical terms that meant nothing to Hank. But the takeaway was that Halstead was in a coma. One that, hopefully, he would come out of, but nothing was certain yet.

To them, anyway.

Hank knew Halstead was a fighter, and that he would come out of this alive. But whether or not he would be able to get back up on his feet and back to the unit was a different story. And yet, Hank couldn't be worried about that right now. There was a more pressing matter at hand.

Whoever did this was still out there, waiting for their chance to strike again. Because they left Halstead for dead, and when they found out that he was still alive… they'd be back.

Hank turned to his team, who were gathered behind him outside of Halstead's hospital room. "Someone's with him around the clock," Hank said. "One of our people. People _I_ trust. Until we know there's no longer a target on his back."

The team nodded in agreement.

"In the meantime, we hit up everyone, go after every CI. I _want_ this guy."

Hank knew, though, they didn't have to be told that. Because _they_ wanted this guy as bad as he did.

* * *

A light knock drew Hank's attention from Halstead to the door of the room. "I got your message," Severide said softly. "How's he doing?"

Hank shrugged slightly. "Not good," he replied.

Severide nodded solemnly.

"Listen. I need to know how you found him. What you saw, what you did. Everything."

Severide shrugged as he sat in the only chair in the room. Hank was sitting on the heater/window sill, waiting impatiently for Severide to say something.

"I don't know," Severide said after a minute. "I was just out for a run, and some kid was freaking out, saying there was a dead body down the alley." He shrugged one shoulder. "You know kids, people sleeping in the alley are dead to them. So I ran down to see what the kid was talking about, and he was there." Severide gestured unnecessarily at Halstead, knowing Hank knew that was who Severide was talking about. "I called 911, checked his wounds, and tried to get him to stay conscious, but he was pretty bad. His phone rang, and I figured I should answer it, that you guys _had_ to be looking for him."

"You didn't see anyone other than the kid?" Hank asked.

Severide shook his head. "Just the kid."

"What did the kid look like?"

"Blonde hair, green eyes, about seven or eight. Red backpack. Had a helmet on and a skateboard in his hand."

"Gonna need you to sit with a sketch artist, come up with the kid."

Severide nodded. "He gonna be okay?" he asked, gesturing again to Jay.

"Should be," Hank replied.

Severide nodded again, staring at Jay.

Hank said nothing further, just watching Severide. He could tell by looking that the Lieutenant had something else he wanted to say. Hell, Hank had seen that look a number of times between the interrogation room and reluctant witnesses. He _knew_ that Kelly Severide was holding _something_ back.

"There's something else you should know," Severide started without prompting.

Hank braced himself.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm glad you all are enjoying this story! See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I should point out that the plan for this story will, in fact, incorporate quite a few characters from Chicago Med and Chicago Fire (especially Will Halstead, Dr. Charles, and Dr. Rhodes), but will remain a Chicago PD story because the larger focus will be Jay, Voight, Erin, Mouse, and Adam (who has a nice piece of this chapter). So, on the parts that do tend to head more toward crossover, just bear with me, because it's almost impossible to write for one show without the others crossing over.

Having said all that...

I want to thank you all so much for the favorites, follows, and reviews. They mean a lot to me, and help keep me going. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as well, and please review. :)

* * *

Two

There was more than met the eye here.

Adam knew it, and he told Al as much. Al, however, told him to mind his own business. "If it's not going to help us on the case, then we don't need to know," the older man reminded him.

But he _knew_ it had to do with the case.

Adam had grown to be quite perceptive over the years, which is what had saved his (and several others') ass(es) a time or two. He _knew_ that there was something else going on with this case.

A good part of him figured he _should_ listen to Al in this case, just let it go. That whatever he would find out would be more than he might currently be equipped to handle. But, by the same token, he _needed_ to know. Because the curious part of him would _never_ let it go until he got all the answers he was looking for.

All of this ran through his mind as he watched Jay breathe.

He sat on the windowsill, just as Voight had done when he was in the room earlier. Adam had opted for the night watch, since he hoped it would be less busy. And, he knew Jay's brother Will would probably come around at some point.

At worst, it would alleviate the boredom. At best, he would get some answers. And right now, that was what he was desperate for.

The door creaked open as the night nurse fumbled her way in, hands full of IV supplies. It was clear she hadn't been expecting Adam to be there, as the sight of him startled her to the point she almost screamed.

"Sorry," she apologized. "I knew the police were outside, but I didn't know there was someone in _here_ , too."

"It's okay," Adam replied. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's quite alright. My name's Anna. I'm going to be taking care of him tonight."

"Adam."

"I take it you're a police officer too?"

"Yes, ma'am."

She nodded, putting the supplies on Jay's bedside table. "I just need to hang more fluids and an antibiotic," she told him.

"Antibiotic?" Adam asked.

"He developed an infection, came in with it. We're also keeping him in a medical coma right now."

Adam nodded as she worked, adjusting Jay and administering medications.

"You two work together, I take it," Anna said gently as she worked.

"Yeah," Adam replied quietly.

"Are you guys close?"

Adam shrugged to himself. "I guess. I mean, we're on the same team. We're always watching each other's backs."

She nodded again, reprogramming the IV pump.

Adam struggled with the thought of continuing to talk to Anna, but opted not to. Because there wasn't much else to say. He already knew she wouldn't tell him any more about Jay's injuries, and he wasn't feeling the whole 'pouring out your soul' thing at this point.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" she asked as she finished her work.

He shook his head. "No, thank you," he said softly.

"If there is, let me know."

"I will."

She nodded, walking out of the room, and leaving Adam alone with his thoughts once again.

* * *

He sat at his desk, replaying his conversation with Severide in his head.

" _There's something else you should know."_

The words bounced around his mind, along with everything else Severide had described. Hank had learned that Severide had a keen eye when it came to crime. The Lieutenant was very observant, could spot an arson through very little evidence, which is why what he had said haunted Hank.

" _There's something else you should know."_

Hank almost wished he didn't _have_ to know. But he did, because it was his job. And knowing meant a whole mess of things that Hank did not want to think about right now.

For right now, the focus was on finding whoever did this to Halstead. To get the guy before he got back to Halstead to finish the job. And while Hank knew that Halstead was safe for the night (because Adam was good at the night watch), tomorrow would be another day. Hank just hoped that he might be able to catch a few moments of sleep. Just so long as Severide's words stopped haunting him…

" _There's something else you should know…"_

* * *

Adam was still awake when Hank returned at 4 am. "Anything?" Hank asked of his youngest team member.

"Nothing from the field," Adam replied. "The only one who's been in here is Anna, his nurse for the night."

Hank nodded, more to himself than to Adam.

Adam looked at Jay's unmoving form in the bed. "We're gonna get this guy," he resolved.

Hank nodded again.

Adam shook his head.

"Go home," Hank told him. "Get some rest. We meet back here at 9."

"All due respect, Boss, I'm not goin' any further than the waiting room," Adam said.

Hank nodded in response as his youngest team member slipped past him and out of the room, leaving the older man alone with his battered detective and his fragmented thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm sorry about the long delay between updates. Things have been kinda crazy lately. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Three

Erin didn't know what to do.

Well, she knew what to do with regards to the protective detail. _That_ was the easy part. But with this case, and Jay…

 _That_ was the part she was having a hard time with.

Her kinda/sorta/sometimes/not really boyfriend was lying in the hospital, in a medically induced coma as his broken body continued to heal. And a good portion of her was worried. Not just for his safety… that was a given, since they still hadn't apprehended the man (or men) who did this to him. But for him, and his well-being.

She hadn't known Jay when he'd come back from Afghanistan, but she'd heard enough snippets from Mouse to gather just how bad he was. And while she still had no clue what had happened to him over there…

Well, then again, she didn't have too much of a clue what happened to him _here,_ either.

She shifted in her seat as the door to the room opened, her hand ready to pull her gun at a moment's notice. When she noticed the red hair of Jay's little brother, she readjusted her position to relax.

"Sorry," Will said. "I keep forgetting you guys are in here."

"Yeah," Erin replied softly.

Will sighed heavily, looking sadly at his older brother.

"How's he doing?" she asked.

"Vitals are holding steady," Will answered. "White count's coming down a little, but it's still pretty high. It's still pretty touch-and-go at this point."

Erin nodded sadly, looking at Jay for a few minutes before looking back at Will. "I'll step out for a few minutes, give you some time," Erin said.

Will nodded his thanks as she made her way out of the room.

* * *

Erin had been replaced by Hank when Will walked out of Jay's room. But unlike when he walked in, Hank was the _only_ person standing outside the room when Will walked out. "Detail's gone?" he asked his brother's supervisor.

"No more threat," Hank replied.

Will nodded. "Please, tell me that son of a bitch is dead."

"They are."

"Good." Will shook his head angrily, walking away and leaving Hank behind.

Hank watched Halstead's brother stalk down the hallway before making his way into Halstead's room. Halstead continued to lay in a coma, oblivious to the world around him. But Hank knew the world that would come up, once Halstead finally woke up.

One he cursed himself for thinking about.

But, at the end of the day, the men who hurt Halstead were as Hank had said: dead. They would never hurt Halstead again. And furthermore, there'd be no court case, no three ring circus. There'd be headlines about the deaths, at most. And then, the whole thing would be a thing of the past.

At least, as far as the public was concerned.

But, for the team, and for Halstead himself… Hank knew this was far from over.

Hank sat on the heater/window sill, the spot he'd pretty much laid claim to since Halstead ended up in here. He watched as the younger man breathed, each breath calm and even. Hank said nothing, choosing to just watch.

Halstead was still alive.

It was a thought he constantly had to remind himself, that Halstead was still alive. And anything that came up after the fact…

The door opened, and Dr. Rhodes came in. "Will said you wanted to see me?" he said.

"Yeah," Hank replied. "How's he doing?"

"Vitals are stable. We've been slowly cutting back on the sedatives, letting him wake up a little and see what happens. He's gonna have a long road ahead of him, though." Dr. Rhodes moved a little closer to Halstead's bed. "Physically, his wounds have been healing up quite well. His counts are starting to stabilize somewhat. But, I'm gonna wanna keep him a little longer once he _does_ wake up, let him talk to Dr. Charles."

Hank nodded, a movement that surprised Dr. Rhodes.

"I expected more of a fight about that," the young doctor said.

Hank shook his head. "Better him than a department shrink," he reasoned.

Dr. Rhodes nodded.

Hank looked back at Halstead. "What does Will know?" he asked.

"I haven't told him much," Dr. Rhodes replied. "Just that he suffered a lot of broken bones and internal injuries, that he has an infection. That's about it. I've restricted Jay's chart, so even if Will tries to go snooping, the hospital will know, and he's already on thin ice with the legal department."

Hank nodded again. "Thanks, Doc."

Dr. Rhodes shrugged. "I'd do the same for any other crime victim…"

Hank tensed slightly.

And though the movement wasn't unnoticed by Dr. Rhodes, the younger man wisely didn't call Hank out on it. "Page me if you need me," Dr. Rhodes said, turning for the door.

Hank didn't even respond.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I'm very sorry for the slow updates. There's been so much going on lately (and not much of it good), but I appreciate your patience and your interest in this story! Please see the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review.

* * *

Four

He didn't want to wake up.

Waking up meant everything was real. That the world he fought to hide from was actually existing, right in front of him. That he would have to deal with…

He couldn't think about that right now.

He figured that they _had_ to know he was awake already, as he wasn't always the best at pretending to sleep when something was wrong. And right now, _everything_ was wrong. From people getting the drop on him, to what they _did_ to him.

He involuntarily shuddered, which caused someone sitting in his room to stir.

Realizing that he couldn't pretend anymore, he opened his eyes, blinking at the darkness of the room. He recognized that it was nighttime almost immediately, and while he thought he should be more worried about who was in the room with him, he found he wasn't.

Because, as he'd come to figure out, it was Voight.

Jay didn't say anything, mostly because of how embarrassed he was to be in the position he was in right now, with Voight sitting beside him in the hospital, after being tortured… again… Jay shook his head slowly, pretending to be working out cobwebs in his head.

Voight didn't say anything, either.

The door creaked open, and both men glanced over as Anna made her way in, holding another bag of IV fluids. "Hi," she said softly, recognizing that Jay had woken up for the first time. "I'm Anna. I'm going to be your nurse tonight. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"

Jay shook his head.

"I'll be back," Voight told Jay, stepping out.

To Jay, that was more of a threat than a comfort.

"Are you having any pain?" Anna asked as the door closed behind Voight.

Jay shrugged lightly.

"What's your name?"

"Jay," Jay answered quietly, his voice hoarse from disuse and intubation.

"Where are we right now?"

"Chicago, Illinois. I'm guessing this is Chicago Med?"

"It is."

Jay nodded slowly.

"What year is it?" Anna asked as she switched over the IV fluids.

"2016," Jay answered hesitantly. "Don't ask me what day it is."

She smiled slightly. "I won't." She took her stethoscope from around her neck and put it in her ears. "Can you take a couple deep breaths for me?"

Jay did as she asked.

"Lung sounds are good," she told him. "How's the pain?"

"I'm okay," he replied.

She nodded. "Okay. On a scale of 0-10."

"2."

She nodded again, scribbling down some numbers on her paper. "Can I get you anything?"

He shook his head as he shifted in the bed slightly.

"Okay. Call if you need anything."

"Thanks, Anna," he said softly.

"You're welcome," she replied, walking out of the room.

Jay stared at the walls, waiting for the crack of light to come back in from the hallway. He scrubbed his hands over his face, feeling the scabs and scrapes and absently wondering which one belonged to which. He knew he'd managed to get quite a few scrapes along his fingertips as he fought, but he also knew just how many times he'd wound up getting hit in the face.

The door creaked open again, and he fought to remind himself that the person coming in wasn't someone who was looking to hurt him. The hunched over shadow that broke through the light was enough for Jay to find a small piece of comfort. Rather than sit too close to the bed, Voight opted to sit along the windowsill, trying to give Jay some space.

"You know," Jay whispered.

Voight didn't answer, but he didn't need to. His lack of comment was enough of a confirmation for Jay.

"Does…" he started, before his voice gave out.

"No one else knows," Voight told him softly.

Jay nodded solemnly.

"How are you feeling?" Voight asked.

"Not too bad," Jay replied.

Voight nodded.

"What about…?" Jay asked quietly.

"They're dead," Voight replied.

"Good," Jay offered softly as he allowed his hands to fidget with the blanket.

Voight said nothing, allowing Jay to control the conversation, which turned more into silence than anything else.

* * *

The sun was filtering in through the shades when Dr. Rhodes made his way into the room, putting on the best smile he could. "Hey there," he said to Jay, who was half awake in the bed. "How're you feeling today?"

"Okay," Jay answered, as Voight pushed past Dr. Rhodes and through the door.

"Any pain?"

"Yeah," Jay replied, shifting his back against the pillows.

"On a scale of 0-10, how bad's the pain?"

"7."

"We'll get the nurse to bring you something for pain."

Jay shook his head slowly. "It's okay."

"Jay, trust me. You really shouldn't let it get too much higher before you treat it, because it's gonna take a lot to get it back down."

"I can take it," Jay insisted.

"I know you can," Dr. Rhodes replied. "But, I don't want you to. You've been through more than enough."

Jay closed his eyes, absorbing the statement.

"Can you smile for me?"

Jay did as he was told.

"Stick out your tongue."

"Why?" Jay asked.

"Indulge me," Dr. Rhodes answered.

"Fine." Jay stuck out his tongue.

"Can you lift your arms up off the bed?"

Jay winced as he followed the directions.

"Without hurting yourself, can you squeeze my hands?" Dr. Rhodes asked as he grabbed Jay's hands gently.

Jay squeezed.

"Good. Try to pull me towards you."

Jay pulled Dr. Rhodes hard, catching the doctor off-guard and nearly bringing him crashing into the bed, which made Jay smile slightly.

"Will warned me you were going to give me a hard time," he told his patient.

Jay kept the smile, but it lost some of its genuine nature.

"Try to push me away."

Jay did, but not nearly as hard as he'd pulled Dr. Rhodes, having lost the battle in his head to remain in the moment.

"Jay?" Dr. Rhodes said, recognizing that Jay's mind had drifted away from the assessment.

"Huh?" Jay replied, coming back around.

"I'm going to have the nurse bring you something for pain, okay? We're also gonna keep you for a little longer, to help get you moving. You've been in bed for over a week, which is more like being in bed for 3-4 weeks, so we're gonna have our therapists come by to assess you, okay?"

"Okay," Jay said softly.

"I'll see you a little later."

Jay nodded absently, his mind already gone as Dr. Rhodes slipped out of the room.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: For those of you that think you know what Jay's gone through, PM me, and I might tell you the answer before everyone else... ;) Also, someone had asked where Erin was, and she returns in this chapter (not with Jay, but she'll get there). But, I figured Mouse and Will needed some time with Jay, too. ;D See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you enjoy this one, and please review. :)

* * *

Five

He didn't know what to say.

He'd already seen Jay in the worst of times before, but this… this was different. Mouse could tell that just by _looking_ at Jay that what Jay was going through… Mouse figured he might not be fully equipped to handle it.

But, Jay was his friend. And right now, his friend really needed him, just like he had when they were overseas. And Mouse would _never_ leave a man behind. So, whatever enemy Jay was fighting, Mouse was going to fight right alongside him.

Even if he didn't know what to say.

But he didn't have to worry about that right now, because Jay was sleeping. His friend appeared peaceful, but years of sleeping in Hell had made Mouse acutely aware of exactly what was going through Jay's mind.

Nightmares.

Mouse was certain that at any moment, Jay was about to wake up, and probably start screaming, trying like crazy to fight off the remnants of whatever nightmare he was having. Which was the kicker: would it be the war, or Keyes, or whatever Jay had just gone through?

Which would win out tonight?

Mouse would find out the answer soon enough, as Jay jumped awake and set off the alarm underneath him temporarily. Which did nothing other than upset Jay even further, because it was a loud noise. One of the CNAs came in after the noise, and was quickly shooed out by Mouse, who assured him that everything was fine.

But, Mouse could tell that things were far from fine.

Jay struggled to calm his panicked breathing, his body trembling harshly. And while Mouse wanted nothing more than to move closer and comfort his friend, he knew the best thing for Jay would be if he maintained his distance, and let Jay calm himself down.

Jay shuddered, pulling his arms tight against his chest.

After what had felt like twenty years, but had really only been 20 minutes, Jay finally settled into easy breathing and was completely still in the bed. "Sorry," Jay whispered after everything had subsided.

"You don't ever need to apologize," Mouse reminded him.

Jay nodded slowly, but didn't say anything further.

And, for that matter, neither did Mouse.

* * *

Mouse stayed until Will made his way into the room, tired after a long shift in the ER but desperate to make sure his older brother was, in fact, okay.

Mouse nodded at Jay as he left the room, allowing the brothers to be alone for the first time since Jay had woken up. Will didn't say anything, choosing to hug his brother instead.

Jay initially stiffened at the contact, having not had anyone reach out to him in a non-medical manner since he'd woken up. And yet, there was something somewhat comforting in his brother's hug, which put Jay a lot more at ease.

"Thank God you're alright," Will said as he gave his brother a gentle squeeze.

"Yeah," Jay whispered as Will loosened his grip on Jay.

Will sat down on Jay's bed, clearly happy to see his brother awake.

"How long was I out?" he asked.

"About a week or so," Will replied. "I kinda lost track."

"Yeah, me too."

Will smiled at Jay's attempt at humor, thankful his brother was still relatively intact. But Will could tell that the humor was a hollow front for the pain hiding behind his older brother's eyes.

"What did you tell Dad?" Jay asked after a moment.

Will shook his head. "I haven't talked to him in a while," he said. "I didn't know what to tell him about what happened. I think Hank might've said something to him, though."

Jay nodded, simply absorbing the information.

"Connor said you're doing pretty good," Will told him.

"Yeah, I am," Jay replied, knowing his brother was aware more was going on. Jay absently started to wonder _just how much_ Dr. Rhodes had told Will about Jay's condition all along. Because Jay _knew_ that Dr. Rhodes _had_ to know everything by this point, so how much had he told Will?

"He said their plan is a little rehab stint for you."

"Yeah," Jay repeated.

"You wanna talk about it?" Will offered.

Jay shook his head, knowing Will was only offering to be polite, and really didn't want to hear about what hell his brother had been forced to go through.

"Okay," Will said. "Just know, I'm here for you."

Jay simply nodded.

* * *

She was still distracted.

Hank supposed that he was, too, as he watched her through his office window instead of sifting through the paperwork on his desk. But, the paperwork would keep for another day. Erin, on the other hand…

"Hey, Boss?" Ruzek said as he appeared in Hank's doorway.

"Yeah," Hank grunted begrudgingly. Not because of who was at his door, more because he was concerned about something else.

"I have something on our case…"

Hank stood up, heading into the bullpen. And though Ruzek rattled on with information that Hank knew he should've been listening to, he found himself watching Erin, realizing that she was probably the only person in the room who couldn't be bothered with the case.

"Al, you and Ruzek run him down," Hank said after Ruzek finished his narrative.

The two departed, leaving Hank and Erin alone in the bullpen, since Antonio was out in the field, helping his sister with something for Casey. Erin sat back down at her desk, pretending that she was working. But, Hank knew better.

"He's awake," he told her.

"I know," she replied.

"You should probably head over there before he goes to sleep for the night."

She pondered the idea, but didn't say anything.

"He looks good," Hank offered.

"No one looks good when they've been through Hell," Erin remarked, somewhat sadly.

"He'll be okay."

" _Will_ he? Because you and I _both_ know that you haven't told us everything about what happened to him."

Hank didn't say anything.

"I can always _tell_ when you're holding back," she continued. "And, when it comes to him, you're holding back. So, tell me, do you _really_ think he'll be okay?"

"Yeah," Hank said.

Erin nodded slightly, but both of them knew she wasn't convinced.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I had every intention of updating this yesterday, but didn't end up having the time to do it. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please (please, please) review!

* * *

Six

It had already been three days.

Not that Jay was really trying to keep track of his days in the hospital or anything, but he knew already that he'd been there for three days that he could clearly remember. He'd been transferred to another unit that specialized in rehab, and was being put through an intense ringer of three hours a day of therapy. The thought process seemed to be that he'd be out of there in no time, but the more he worked, the more he thought he'd never get home.

"You'll get there," Stephanie, the physical therapist, told him.

Jay didn't really answer her, choosing to more or less go with the motions of the activities. They threatened to hold him longer if he didn't work harder, but he could tell that he was leaps and bounds ahead of some other people who were there. Granted, he was also younger and probably a lot more fit than they were before whatever happened to them to bring them here, but that didn't exactly matter when he was trying to avoid working too hard.

"I'll tell Connor," Stephanie warned.

Jay still didn't acknowledge it, knowing that if push came to shove, he could always coerce Will into talking to Dr. Rhodes into releasing Jay whenever Jay wanted to. But, Jay also realized that he _should_ be working to get stronger.

He just didn't feel like it today.

Stephanie seemed to sense this, and pushed the stop button on the cycle. "I think we're done for today," she told him.

Jay nodded as he slowly climbed off of the bike, his legs sore from the exercise. She reached out to steady him before helping him toward the wheelchair. He made a face at the idea of riding back in the chair, feeling like he _should_ be able to walk the distance.

"You want to walk instead?" she asked him.

Rather than answer, he reached for the walker over the wheelchair.

"Okay," she said. "But, if you need to rest, let me know."

He nodded, taking slow but deliberate steps toward the door. Walker first, then right foot, then left foot. Walker, right, left. Walker, right, left. Walker, right, left. After what felt like forever, he _finally_ made it to the door, and frowned to himself, knowing that he had to make it a lot further from the therapy room to his room.

But today, he was determined.

Stephanie walked behind his left side, pulling the wheelchair behind him as she also held onto the stupid belt she kept around him during their sessions. Something about catching him if he fell… he paused walking as he internally shook his head at the thought. She was all of 5 feet and 100 pounds soaking wet. If _he_ fell, _she_ was going down with him.

"Lookin' good there, Boss," Adam offered as he appeared around the corner.

And now that Jay had an audience, he opted to walk faster. Not so fast that Stephanie couldn't keep up, but fast enough that she reminded him to slow down so that he wouldn't fall.

He made a face as he passed the nurse's station, finding the young nurses and CNAs chatting away about different things. Since it was just after lunch, he realized they may not have had as much to do, so he smiled at them politely.

"Lookin' good, Jay!" Brenna, his nurse today, told him from behind the computer.

"Look at you go!" Jacinda, his CNA, added cheerfully.

Jay smiled again, not one for many words with them, or any of the staff, really. Adam, on the other hand, smiled and offered pleasantries. The girls chatted with him as Jay made his way back to his room, eventually managing to get in there. He sat down in the chair, huffing as he did, more out of annoyance than out of exhaustion.

"Feel better?" Stephanie asked, clearly annoyed with her patient.

Jay shrugged slightly, feeling the strain in every muscle fiber in his body and quickly realizing just how much he'd overdone it with therapy today.

Stephanie shook her head. "You know that means that tomorrow, you're walking."

He nodded in response.

She shook her head again, only this time with a small smile on her face as she took the belt off of his waist. She patted him lightly on the shoulder before walking out of his room and leaving Jay to wonder when, exactly, Ruzek would finally make his way in.

His answer came rather quickly, as Adam appeared in his doorway. "Hey, man," Adam said, making his way over to sit down on Jay's windowsill, which seemed to be the popular place for everyone to sit when they came to see him. Not that they had much choice, because it wasn't like there were many chairs in the room. Adam settled in quickly, grabbing the remote and flipping to a baseball game.

Both knew they were avoiding any serious conversation, but Adam figured Jay would never talk to him anyway. Jay, on the other hand, figured that while Adam _could_ be a good confidante, he didn't want to burden anyone at this point.

So instead, they watched the game.

* * *

Jay had gotten back into bed by the time Dr. Charles made his way into the room, stopping behind the curtain. "Hi there," he said pleasantly.

Jay glanced over from the TV.

"May I come in?"

Jay shrugged as he turned the TV off.

"I wanted to come by and see how you're doing," Dr. Charles said. "You mind if I sit?"

Jay gestured at the only chair available in the room before shifting his position in bed to face it a little better.

"So, how are you doing?" Dr. Charles asked.

"Okay," Jay replied softly.

"How's your pain?"

"Do you mean my _physical_ pain, or something else?" Jay retorted sarcastically.

Dr. Charles smiled slightly. "What do you think?"

"I can't tell exactly who sent you in here- Voight, Will, or Dr. Rhodes."

"But, you don't think it was Dr. Roberts? Or Stephanie? Kayla? Or maybe one of the nurses had asked me to come by?"

"I'm not sure it matters _who_ sent you."

"Just that they did?"

Jay opted not to comment on that.

"Why does that matter?"

Again, Jay didn't answer.

Dr. Charles nodded, more to himself than to Jay, as the younger man was looking down at his hands. "How are things with Erin?"

Jay stiffened slightly at her name, before relaxing somewhat. "She was here yesterday," Jay answered.

"I bet it was good to see her," Dr. Charles said.

Jay nodded imperceptibly.

"It wasn't good to see her?" Dr. Charles asked.

"No, it was," Jay answered.

"But, it's different."

Jay didn't answer, which was more than enough of an answer for Dr. Charles.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews. This chapter is a little different, in that Jay is more talked about than is actually present. I am basing Jay's age off of his years in the military and in the PD, as well as him being older than Will (and knowing how long it takes to _actually_ become a doctor). I (of course) could be _way_ off, but I don't believe that anyone has ever mentioned Jay's real age on the show (I could be wrong). Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review! :)

* * *

Seven

"Next patient," Christine, the case manager, started, as several members of the team were gathered in the small conference room. "Jay Halstead."

"36 year old male, multiple traumatic injuries," Brenna started. "He's doing well with toileting, but that's pretty much the only thing he's compliant with. He's not taking his pills, doesn't like using the call light. We have him on an alarm, but he's a fall waiting to happen."

"He's not completing every session," Kayla, the occupational therapist, started. "He does most of it, but by the end, it's obvious he can't tolerate anymore."

"Same with his physical therapy," Stephanie added. "He gets through a lot of it, but then he's too tired to finish it, or he's in too much pain. He needs to be able to sleep more at night and be properly medicated."

"We try," Brenna said. "He's in a private room, and while we try to get him into a good sleep environment, he stays awake most of the night. We can't get him to take pain medication, let alone sedatives. The only time he does is if one of his coworkers, or his brother, is in the room."

"He has not wanted anything to do with recreational therapy," Sophie, the recreational therapist, said.

"I asked Dr. Charles to sit in, so that he can shed some insight into Mr. Halstead's mindset," Dr. Roberts said.

"First of all, I think it should be pointed out that you're not going to get Jay to sleep here," Dr. Charles said.

"But, he needs to," Stephanie started.

"He is a soldier, who is suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome. He fought overseas in the war, and from what I could gather, he had a very rough time over there. No part of him is going to rest here, because it's an unfamiliar environment. He's guarded, he's defensive, and I'm not surprised he doesn't want to take any medication, after what he's been through. He was kidnapped, probably chained up to be tortured, and the alarms you have him on are another sort of binding to him. They are probably doing a lot more harm to him than any good. He's very independent in his normal life, and not used to depending on anyone for anything, so I'm not surprised he's not going to call you when he wants to get up. I honestly think that the best thing for him would be to get him to go home."

"Well, we can't safely discharge him at this point. He can't walk without assistance."

"He can't perform his ADLs independently," Kayla said.

"But, if he were to have someone with him 24 hours a day, could he be discharged?" Dr. Charles asked.

"He still needs a lot of therapy," Stephanie said.

"I agree," Kayla added.

"Could he get therapy at home?" Brenna asked.

"Well, yeah, but he'd be better off staying here for now," Stephanie replied.

"Not for him," Dr. Charles said. "Jay _needs_ to be in an environment that's comfortable for him. And, no matter how hard we try, this place is _never_ going to be that for him."

"So, what do we need to do to get him home?" Christine asked.

"He needs a home eval," Kayla said.

"He needs someone who can stay with him," Stephanie added.

"I don't think it'll be hard to find someone to stay with him," Dr. Charles commented.

"So, when are we thinking discharge?" Christine asked the group.

"We'll work toward Friday," Kayla said. "That'll give us a little time to get the home eval in and some more therapy."

"When were you thinking about doing the home eval?" Stephanie asked.

"Probably tomorrow."

"I'm not sure if I can do it, but if I can't, then I'll send Rob in my place."

"Sounds good."

"I'll touch base with Dr. Rhodes, to keep him updated," Dr. Roberts said.

"I'll reach out to Mr. Halstead's brother about staying with him," Christine said. "And keeping people with him."

"Okay, sounds like we're all in agreement for a Friday discharge."

Everyone at the table nodded.

"Okay, great," Christine said. "Next patient…"

* * *

"Dr. Halstead, you got a minute?" Christine asked as she made her way into the ER.

"Yeah," he replied, not looking up from the computer in front of him.

"It's about your brother. I was wondering if we could talk off the floor for a minute."

Will looked up, catching Dr. Choi's eye.

"Go ahead," Dr. Choi told him.

Will nodded before gesturing to the locker room. He and Christine made their way in, and she turned to look at him.

"I won't waste your time," she told him. "I know you're busy. I just wanted to let you know that our plan is to discharge your brother on Friday."

"Friday?" Will asked. "As in, a few days from now?"

"Yes."

"You think he's ready to be discharged?"

"Honestly? I think it's hard to say how he'll do, but Dr. Charles is convinced that for his mental status, being here is hurting more than it's helping. And I can't say that I disagree. He's not sleeping, not really eating. He's not comfortable here."

"Is _anyone_ comfortable in the hospital?"

Christine shrugged. "You have a point. But, the therapists believe he could have a more than adequate recovery at home, and if that is the best place for him to be, then we want to get him there."

"Okay."

"However…"

"He'll need 24 hour care," Will interrupted.

"Supervision, at least," Christine said. "And, I know that can be hard, considering you work here, and Jay would be left alone during the day, but we could set you up with services or help you reach out to them…"

"I think between me and his friends, we can cover it. I don't think he's going to want a lot of strangers hanging around him."

"Understandable. The therapists are going to take him there tomorrow, just to evaluate how he'll do and if there are any changes that need to be made."

"Okay."

"If all goes according to plan, he'll be going home on Friday."

"Sounds good."

* * *

 _The Next Day_

"Alright, Will, thanks," Hank said. As Hank hung up his cellphone, he noticed the eyes of his team fixated on him. "Halstead's going home on Friday," he told them.

"That's great," Atwater said.

"He's gonna need someone to stay with him for a while, so Will's askin' if we can help out with that."

"Done," Adam said.

The rest of the team nodded their agreement.

"I think I got a way to help out with that, too," Antonio said.

"Someone he knows," Hank told him.

"He knows them. Trust me, Boss, he'll be fine."


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Thank you guys all so much for the reviews! I appreciate them. :) This chapter is a little more sad, so I encourage you have those tissues ready. :) I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Eight

He was frustrated.

Mostly because Will was annoying him, and all he wanted was to be left alone. Jay told Will as much, but Will reminded him that right now, everyone (except Jay) had agreed that just because he was discharged today, didn't mean that he was safe to be alone.

Jay was frustrated, but he didn't answer.

However, Will's pager went off, and Jay realized that he was going to get his opportunity to be alone, because Will had to go back to the hospital. Will told him that someone else was coming by to sit with him, but Jay figured that was a lie.

Either way, Jay finally had some freedom at home.

He flicked through the channels, finding nothing worthy to watch at this point. Annoyed, he decided to put on Netflix, scrolling through until he found something that he could get into. But, after ten minutes, he found that he had to pee.

Grimacing, he pushed himself up off the couch, determined to make it into the bathroom. He latched onto his walker and began the painfully slow journey toward the bathroom. Only problem was, he didn't quite make it. He could feel himself start going right before he was able to pull down his pants and get onto the toilet. He frowned, wondering when, exactly, he'd reverted back to being a two-year-old.

At least, he remembered Will not being potty-trained at two. Jay'd been making it into the bathroom for as long as he could remember.

As he sat on the toilet, he maneuvered his soiled pants and underwear off, tossing them on top of his laundry hamper and making a mental note to throw them in before he left the bathroom. After he took a few moments to clean himself up, he stood up slowly from the toilet, flushing it and reminding himself to make sure his new occupational therapist knew he had _that_ down. He put his dirty clothes in the laundry before washing his hands and heading out of the bathroom.

The walk to his bedroom seemed just as long as the walk from the living room to the bathroom, and Jay was cursing himself for the fact that he should've just held it a little longer. But his bladder was weak, just like the rest of him. Jay frowned at the thought of just how weak he was, and tried not to overwhelm himself with the thought.

He made it to his dresser, opening the top drawer and pulling out a pair of underwear and lounge pants. He bent down, like he always had done before, to put his underwear and pants on, and realized quickly that this was not something he was able to do anymore. He made a face again before throwing them down on the floor and slowly wiggling his feet into the top of them.

Then, he remembered what Kayla had taught him, about making sure he was sitting down.

As Jay turned to walk over to the bed, he felt himself get tangled in his clothes. Unable to catch himself, he went crashing down, hitting his already injured body hard against his wooden floor.

Jay lay there, trying to catch his breath after landing that hard. Embarrassment spread over him at the sight of him, pants-less and laying on the floor, unable to move due to the pain coursing through him.

And then came the flashbacks…

* * *

Erin quickly made her way in, having gotten the phone call from Will to go over there as soon as possible because Will had an emergency and needed to go to the hospital right away. Will had told her that Jay was watching TV, and probably would not have moved by the time she got there.

As she opened the door, she realized just how wrong Will was.

Jay wasn't in the living room.

"Jay?" she called out. She heard a soft whimper coming from the bedroom, and found herself drawn to it, worried about what she might find. But, what she saw… she wasn't expecting.

Jay, on the floor, naked from the waist down, crying and shaking.

At first, she didn't know _what_ to do, because she'd _never_ seen Jay like this. She wasn't sure what the best place to start was: consoling him, or covering him up. She realized that he must have been down there for a little while, because the floor was wet with his sweat and tears. She moved toward him, kneeling down beside his head.

"Jay," she said softly, as she gently ran her hand through his hair.

He flinched away from her.

"Jay," she said a little louder, reaching for his hand.

He swung at her.

"Jay," she said again, holding his fist tightly in her hand.

He didn't stop shaking or crying, but he did open his eyes and look at her. "Erin?" he whispered, his voice so soft she could barely hear him.

"Yeah," she said.

"Erin," he repeated, his voice so broken, so defeated, that she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces.

"Shh, it's okay," she soothed, holding his right hand with her left and running her right hand through his hair again. "I'm right here. You're safe. You're okay."

His cries began to soften slightly, just enough for him to say, "I'm so sorry."

"For what, sweetie?"

"I made a mess. And I can't get up."

"It's okay, Jay. It's okay. We'll get you up, and get you cleaned up. Okay?"

Jay closed his eyes and shook his head, tears falling down his face. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry. I can't…" His voice trailed off to silent tears.

"You can't what?" she asked gently.

He shook his head, not wanting to say anymore.

She nodded, stroking his hair gently until he stopped crying. The shaking had lessened into mere trembles, and she kept whispering soothing words to him.

"Can you help me up?" he whispered, his face flushing with embarrassment at the question.

"Of course," she told him. "We'll get you up, we'll clean you up, and we'll change your clothes… though, I'm thinking that's what you were trying to do here?"

He nodded slowly.

Erin helped him get into a sitting position before taking the tangles of underwear and pants off his ankles and helping him to stand. He faltered slightly, and she stayed right behind him until he was steady on his feet. Together they walked to the bathroom, with the mission of getting Jay cleaned up.

* * *

Once he was washed and dressed, the two of them made their way out to the couch, where she helped him sit down before sitting next to him. She rested her arm on the back of the couch behind him, while he sat with his hands folded in his lap awkwardly.

"What's up?" she asked him.

He shook his head.

"Is it about me helping you clean up?"

He didn't answer.

"Jay, I've seen you naked plenty of times, and we've showered together plenty of times. What makes this different?"

"I'm fucked up," he said, simply and sharply.

Erin picked up on the edge in his voice, and opted not to pursue the conversation any further, choosing instead to put on a movie for them to watch. She noticed right away that he wasn't watching it, but didn't say anything, knowing that his mind was a thousand miles away. And while her heart hurt to see him so pained, she knew that she couldn't push him, and that he'd talk when he was ready.

 _If_ he was ever ready.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I definitely appreciate all the feedback on this story. Makes it easier for me to keep going with it. :) And I also promise that an answer is coming soon. :)  
See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review. :)

* * *

Nine

He awoke to the sound of dishes clanging in the kitchen, which immediately caused him to be on alert. When he heard two voices that he somewhat recognized, curiosity edged over his panic, and he slowly got up out of bed.

They must have heard him, because the next thing he knew, Gabby was in front of him. "Morning," she said.

"Morning," Jay replied.

"Did we wake you up?"

He shook his head as he tried to move toward the bathroom.

"We're making breakfast," she continued. "Join us when you're ready."

"Okay," he told her as he headed into the bathroom.

Gabby nodded to herself, walking back to the kitchen to continue making breakfast.

Jay made his way around the corner to find Casey cooking while Gabby put a plate together. "You want coffee?" she asked.

Jay wasn't sure if she was asking him or Casey, until she turned to look at him for an answer. "Yeah," Jay said.

"You got it," she replied, pouring him a cup of coffee and passing it to him.

Jay took a sip, and coughed slightly. "Wow," he said.

"Too strong?"

"No, it's just… not what I was expecting. Will makes _terrible_ coffee."

"Is that why hospital coffee always sucks?" Casey asked. "Because the doctors make it?"

"They probably should be more focused on their real job instead of making coffee," Gabby pointed out.

"There's no excuse for bad coffee," Jay retorted.

Casey and Gabby laughed.

"So, where's Louie today?" Jay asked as a plate of food appeared before him.

"He is at daycare," Gabby said. "Socializing with kids his own age."

Jay nodded, picking at his breakfast.

"Why? Are you looking to see him?"

Jay shrugged. "I just was wondering," he told her.

"I'll bring him around sometime soon," she promised.

Jay simply nodded again, turning his attention back to his food, while Casey and Gabby shared a look.

* * *

After his physical and occupational therapy sessions, Jay plopped down on the couch, having showered with the occupational therapist. He found himself exhausted after 2 hours of therapy, but held onto a sense of achievement at the fact that he had showered, in his own shower, for the first time since having been attacked.

He wasn't sure where his babysitters had wandered off to during his therapy sessions, but was somewhat pleased that they weren't around at the moment, as it gave him some time to be alone with his thoughts. Not that he really wanted to do much thinking. Mostly, he just wanted to be alone.

It was short lived, though, as Severide made his way into the apartment. Jay looked at him curiously.

"Gabby and Casey, I understand," Jay said. "But how'd _you_ get roped into this?"

"Dawson had to pick up Louie from daycare, and Casey had some urgent Alderman business, so he called me to drop by for a little," Severide explained. "At least until Dawson gets back, anyway. Unless you want me to hang around after that."

Jay shrugged. "Doesn't matter to me. I just wasn't really expecting you."

Severide shrugged, sitting down on another chair in the living room.

Jay watched Severide settle in before feeling guilt wash over him. "I'm sorry," he said suddenly.

Severide looked over at him. "For what?" he asked.

Jay shifted in the chair. "For what you saw… when you found me," he practically whispered.

Severide shook his head. "No, man. You've got nothing to apologize for. It's not your fault."

"I don't know about that," Jay said, keeping his voice low.

"Listen to me. What happened to you, is not your fault."

"I should've gotten away sooner."

Severide shook his head. "You should be proud of the fact that you got away at _all_. Not everyone would've been able to."

"You don't know that."

"I have a pretty good idea what happened."

Jay swallowed hard. He'd known that Voight knew, but he didn't realize that _Severide_ knew.

"And that… that isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. You got away. You survived."

Jay fought back the lump rising up his throat.

"You're gonna be okay," Severide told him. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Jay opted not to say anything further, turning the TV to ESPN in an attempt to completely cut off the conversation.

Severide took the hint, opting to watch the TV himself.

* * *

Erin leaned back in her chair, rubbing her eyes tiredly. After Jay's meltdown the other day, she wasn't sleeping well, heartbroken at the image that day had burned into her mind. Never, in all the time that she had known Jay, had she ever seen him so…

Vulnerable.

That was what hurt her more than anything, seeing Jay so vulnerable. Knowing that he was in so much pain, and yet… there was nothing she could do. She couldn't push him to talk any more than he wanted to, because she knew she'd end up pushing him away. But it hurt her to know that he was hurting so badly.

She glanced over as Hank made his way toward her, leaning against her desk. "Go home," he told her.

"I will," she replied.

"Go see Jay."

"I will," she repeated.

Hank nodded, just watching her.

She stifled a yawn as she shuffled some papers around her desk to put them away.

"He's going to be okay," Hank said softly.

Erin half-nodded/half-shrugged.

"He will be," Hank asserted.

Erin nodded, finishing packing up her work. "See you tomorrow," she said softly.

Hank nodded as she walked away.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: I am so incredibly sorry for the fact that it has taken me more than a month to update this story. Personally, I've had a lot going on within myself and my world, and I haven't had much energy or motivation for anything, including writing. I'm sorry to make you guys wait so long for an answer, and I appreciate those of you who have still reviewed in the interim. I hope this chapter is helps make up for the long wait. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review. :)

* * *

Ten

When the buzzer rang, Will got up to answer it, leaving Jay on the couch. Will waited by the door as Jay watched TV, pretending he wasn't concerned about who was visiting today. When Will opened the door, Jay continued to ignore the entry for _Sportscenter_ , because he figured that it was someone dropping by to see Will, not him.

"Hi, Jay," Dr. Charles said.

Will quickly disappeared from the apartment before Jay could even say anything.

"Since when do doctors make house calls?" Jay asked the older man.

"Some still do," Dr. Charles replied. "Mind if I sit?"

Jay gestured at the chairs in the living room. "Okay, so since when does the Chief of Psychiatry at Chicago Med make house calls?"

"When the patient warrants it." Dr. Charles sat down. "How are you feeling?"

Jay shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

"How's the pain?"

"It's fine."

Dr. Charles looked at Jay curiously. "You seem a little less guarded," he observed.

Jay shrugged.

"What's changed?"

Jay shrugged again, unsure of the answer himself.

"You know, most times, it helps if you talk about it," Dr. Charles suggested.

"I wouldn't know where to start," Jay said finally.

"How is it being back home?"

"Different."

"How so?"

"I'm… I'm never really alone. I'm… I'm not used to that, here."

"Is it unpleasant?"

"Having everyone around?" At Dr. Charles's nod, Jay said, "not really. It's mostly Will and Gabby. And Casey. Sometimes Louie's with them." Jay paused for a moment. "Severide was here once."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I guess… I guess I didn't… I didn't realize… that he… he knew."

"Knew what?" Dr. Charles asked, shifting in the chair to face Jay more.

"What happened to me," Jay said softly.

"And what was that?"

"You know."

"Jay, what I do or don't know… that's not the purpose here. The first step is admitting what happened."

Jay shifted on the couch, sighing heavily.

"It doesn't have to be me," Dr. Charles offered. "It could be Will, or Gabby, or even Casey. It could be Erin…"

"I should tell her, at some point…" Jay said quietly.

"When you're ready."

"Some days, I am, and then she's here and… I just… can't."

"What stops you?"

"I don't know."

"Do you trust her?"

Jay nodded.

"Do you love her?"

Jay nodded again.

"Are you worried that it might change things between you two?"

Jay looked down at his hands, which were resting on his lap.

"I think you should be honest with her. She might surprise you."

Jay said nothing, twisting his hands together in his lap.

* * *

When Erin arrived later that night, Will again made himself scarce, giving the two of them some alone time. Erin sat down next to Jay on the couch, putting her arm on the back behind him as he slumped somewhat and began playing with his hands.

"Are you okay?" she asked him.

Jay didn't say anything, just kept twisting his hands in his lap.

"Jay," she said softly. "Talk to me."

"I can't," he replied, matching her tone.

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because…?"

"I don't want things to change."

She moved her hand to massage the back of his neck. "Why do you think anything will change?"

"Because, they will. Everything will change."

"What do you mean?"

"When I tell you… you… you'll look at me… and… and it won't ever be the same."

Erin furrowed her eyebrows as she pulled her arm from around his neck to place both hands on top of his. "Jay, I promise you, you can tell me anything, and it doesn't change anything."

Jay cringed slightly, before taking a deep breath. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Absolutely," Erin promised.

Jay took another deep breath before saying, "Then, there's something you should know…"

* * *

Hank was finishing up paperwork at the district, in the silence of the empty upstairs, when she came crashing in. "You should've told me," Erin said angrily.

"Told you what?" Hank replied, not completely sure of what she was referring to, but having a pretty good idea all the same.

"You _knew_. You _knew_ that Jay had been _raped_ , and you didn't tell me."

Hank sighed. "It wasn't my job to tell any of you."

"You should've been straight with _me_ , at least."

Hank stood up to walk in front of Erin. "If it had been _you_ , and _you_ were raped, would _you_ have wanted me to tell Halstead? Or anyone else in the squad?"

Erin paused, her anger dissipating as she thought on Hank's words. "No," she said finally.

Hank reached out, putting his hands on her upper arms. "Jay needed to be the one to tell you," he said. "Not me, not Dr. Rhodes, not Dr. Charles… Jay."

"Does Will know?" she asked softly.

"I don't know."

Erin shook her head slowly. "I don't know what to do," she admitted.

"Just be there for him. Support him. Make sure he knows nothing's changed between you two. Let him tell you what he needs."

"I hate seeing him so… so broken, and vulnerable."

"I know."

She inhaled deeply before exhaling slowly. "He's not gonna be okay, is he?" she asked, her question coming out more like a statement.

"That's up to him," Hank replied, squeezing his upper arms gently. "We just gotta be there for him."

She nodded before hugging onto him and putting her head on his shoulder. Hank simply returned the hug, putting his hand on the back of her head for support.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I appreciate the reviews so much! They help keep me going. :) See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Keep the tissues handy as Will finds out more of the story from Jay... I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Eleven

Will walked into his brother's apartment, finding the older man slumped on the couch, holding his head in his hands. "Jay?" Will said gently, as he slowly approached the couch.

Jay didn't say anything, but also didn't move, either.

"Jay?" Will tried again, as he sat down next to his sunken, sullen brother.

"I lost her," Jay whispered, his voice soft, though Will could _hear_ the pain in Jay's voice.

"Lost who?" Will asked, as he placed his hand gingerly on his brother's shoulder.

"Erin."

Will furrowed his brow, confusion edging over the pain he felt at hearing the somber defeat in his brother's voice. "What makes you say that?" he asked Jay softly.

"She… she got kinda mad… and she… sh-she left kinda fast."

Will couldn't remember a time he'd _ever_ heard Jay stutter, and each slip felt like a hot knife stabbing Will in the heart. "What happened?" he asked his brother, trying to keep his emotions at bay.

"I-I… I-I told her," Jay practically whispered.

"Told her what?"

"What… what h-h-happened."

"When you were kidnapped?"

Jay nodded, hugging his arms closer to his chest and doing the best he could to curl into a ball with his healing injuries.

"What happened?" Will tried, finding himself oddly curious to find out what Jay could have _possibly_ told Erin that could have set her off.

"I-I… I c-can't tell y-you," Jay stuttered as his body began to tremble.

"How come?"

"B-b-because."

"Because… you're worried I'm gonna get mad too?"

Jay nodded slightly.

"If I _do_ get mad, it's not at you," Will said gently, as he rubbed small circles onto Jay's back. "I promise. Anything you say to me, it's not going to change anything between us. I'm your brother, and I'll always be your brother. Nothing's gonna change. I promise."

Jay finally looked over at Will, causing the younger man to feel even worse as he noticed the tears that were struggling to stay in Jay's eye sockets. "You promise?" Jay said.

"I promise," Will assured him.

Jay quickly turned his head away, which Will knew was more of an attempt on Jay's part to shield Will. And yet, both of them knew, there was no protecting anyone at this point.

"Th-th-they… they… they d-did things…" Jay started slowly, as his body began to tremble more.

Will chose not to pry further, rubbing Jay on the back.

Jay squeezed his eyes closed as the tears fell down his face. "I s-sw-swear, W-will… I-I d-didn't… I didn't want to… I'm not…" Jay's voice cut off as he put his right hand over his face, scrubbing away his tears.

Will had the feeling he knew what Jay meant, but waited for his brother to confirm it.

"Please… please… please d-don't… don't tell Dad," Jay said after a moment. "H-he-he'll kill me."

"I promise, Jay," Will said quietly. "This stays between you and me. I won't tell anyone else."

"I'm… I'm not… not gay… I-I… I love E-Erin… they… they m-ma-made me."

Will closed his eyes briefly, thankful that Jay couldn't see how much his confession was hurting Will as Will rubbed Jay on the back.

"Th-th-they… they… m-ma-made me… h-h-have… s-s-s-s… sex w-with them."

Finally, Will understood why Erin had left. _He_ wanted to kill someone, for the amount of pain his brother was in. Will stopped rubbing Jay's back to reach out and wrap his arms around his trembling brother.

"I'm so sorry all of this happened to you," Will said as he pulled Jay a little closer to him. "You don't deserve this. But none of this is your fault. What they did to you… you had no choice."

"I could've… I c-could've gotten away sooner," Jay said through his tears.

"Jay, listen to me. You did everything, _everything_ , you could to get out of there, and you did. You _survived_."

Jay shook his head. "I'm sick of surviving," he said.

Will closed his eyes again, reminding himself that Jay didn't really mean it, that this was just because of the emotions of the moment, and nothing more.

"I should've died in Afghanistan, but I didn't," Jay continued. "I should've died when Keyes got me, but I didn't… I could've died when Arthur shot me…"

"But, he hit your shoulder, not your chest," Will reminded him. "And you saved Gabby in the process."

Jay shook his head again. "Why do I survive?"

"Because it's not your time."

"Why does God hate me? Why do I keep getting shot, or stabbed, or tortured, or…?"

"Raped," Will supplied for Jay.

Jay cringed at hearing the word aloud, but nodded.

"I wish I had an answer for you," Will said. "And, I'm sorry that I don't. But, no matter what happens, as long as you keep surviving, I will keep being here. I promise."

Jay nodded again, opting not to say anything more as he pushed himself away from Will. Will backed up slightly, watching as Jay stood up and walked away, effectively cutting off any further conversation for the night.

* * *

Erin felt guilt hit her harder with each ring her phone emitted. Finally, she answered it with, "Will, I'm so sorry I left him alone…"

"That's not why I'm calling," he told her. "He's doing a lot better getting around, so I'm not as worried about him being alone for that reason."

"Okay." Erin kept walking over the bridge, knowing that when she finished, she would turn around (again) and walk the other direction (again.)

"He feels like you're mad at him."

Erin stopped walking. " _What?_ " she asked.

"He thinks that you're angry because he told you what happened, and he feels like he's lost you."

Erin closed her eyes. In her need to get out of the apartment, she didn't think about how _Jay_ was going to react to her leaving, even though she _tried_ to be as gentle as possible about it. "He hasn't."

"I know. But, _I'm_ not the one you need to convince of that."

"I should come back over there."

"He's sleeping," Will said.

"I _need_ to see him," she said.

"You know you're welcome here any time."

Erin nodded, turning to walk back toward her car. "I'm on my way."


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews! I truly appreciate them. :) See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review!

* * *

Twelve

When Jay finally woke up the next morning, he was surprised to find Erin sleeping uncomfortably in a chair beside his bed. Her feet were on the edge of the bed, her head was tilted in a way that was _definitely_ going to hurt when she woke up, but at least she had a blanket draped over her, even if he could tell that it had not been done by her.

He furrowed his brow, trying to clear his head.

And as he did, he found himself watching Erin for a few minutes, smiling slightly to himself to at her sleeping form. The most beautiful girl that he had ever seen, and she was sleeping, albeit painfully, on a chair in _his_ room.

And then he thought about where he was, and how he'd come to be here, and he found himself frowning again, thinking about the night before.

It had to mean something that she came back, right?

Jay shrugged the thought out of his mind as he got up off his bed. He slowly made his way into the kitchen, finding Will making breakfast. "Morning," Jay said softly.

"Good morning," Will replied, as he turned to face his brother. "Food should be ready soon."

"Okay."

Will nodded toward the empty coffee pot. "I figured you'd make it today, since you always complain about mine."

Jay smirked lightly, standing and grabbing the coffee.

"You sleep alright?" Will asked, as he flipped the pancakes over on the griddle.

"I guess," Jay replied, putting water in the coffee pot.

"Well, you were snoring, so it couldn't be that bad."

Jay chuckled lightly. " _I_ snore?"

Will nodded.

Before Jay could say anything else, a loud groan came from the bedroom, and Jay found himself half-happy and half-nervous that Erin had just woken up.

"Guess she wasn't that comfortable last night, huh?" Will asked softly.

Jay shook his head, waiting the long minute before Erin appeared in the kitchen.

"Tylenol's in the bathroom," Will told her lightly.

"Hmm, thanks," she replied, standing against the counter next to Jay. "Morning," she told him softly.

"Morning," Jay replied.

Erin kissed him on the cheek, as she had done just about every day she'd come to see him. Jay smiled lightly in return, like he did every time she kissed his cheek.

Will watched the interaction, noting the mild trepidation between the couple in the moment, with most of it coming from Jay. Erin's reactions were dulled by the crick in her neck, which she was slowly attempting to work out as she reached for a mug to get coffee.

"First round's up," Will said as he pulled himself out of his thoughts.

* * *

After Will had left for the hospital, Jay and Erin sat on the couch. Jay didn't say anything, knowing that Erin should probably plan to leave soon if she intended to get to work sometime today. But at the same time, he enjoyed the fact that she was there, even if he couldn't get over the discomfort of knowing that she knew.

"I'm sorry I took off last night," she told him.

He shrugged in response.

She took his hand gently, getting his attention before reaching up and turning his chin so that he was looking in her eyes. "It wasn't because of what you said," she told him. "It's not because I was scared, or disgusted, or anything like that. It wasn't because I don't want to be with you. It was because I was confused, and upset- not with you, not in the least. I was upset at thinking how much you had been hurting, and dealing with this, in complete and utter silence. It was me being mad at myself for not doing a better job at supporting you."

He opened his mouth to say something, but she gently placed her finger across his lips.

"It was because I didn't know what to do," she continued. "And I felt like, me sitting here with you, I needed to know what to do, or what to say. I mean, we have all this training, but…"

"It's different when it's someone you care about," Jay whispered solemnly as her hands dropped back onto his.

"And I was mad at Voight for not telling me, so that I would've, at least, been a better girlfriend, but he said that it needed to come from you, and I realized he was right. Because, it's important for you to be able to talk about it, with anyone, but also with me." She paused, squeezing his hands gently. "I love you, Jay, more than anything, and I promise you that whatever you need, I am here."

"I know," he whispered softly, and almost meant it. But he did mean it when he told her, "I love you too."

She let go of his hands to hug him tenderly, and he couldn't stop himself from dropping his head against her shoulder, absorbing the love and comfort that he was getting from being in her embrace.

They stayed that way for a long time before her phone rang, and she frowned as she let go of Jay to pick it up. "Yeah," she answered.

Jay sat back against the couch.

"Alright, I'll be there soon," she said, hanging up the phone before turning back to Jay. "I gotta go," she told him softly.

"I know," he replied.

She kissed him on the cheek again, and he surprised her by kissing her back. She smiled. "I'll see you later."

"Later," he told her.

She stood up, leaving his apartment and passing Gabby in the doorway.

"I hope she's not leaving on my account," Gabby said.

"No, work," Jay replied. "I thought you were on shift today."

"I am. Me and the guys were wondering if you wanted to break outta here and see some real work today."

"Real work?" he scoffed. "Isn't more like real sleeping and real sitting?"

Gabby swatted playfully at him as he smirked.

"Let's go, smartass," she replied, handing him his cane.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: I apologize for the long delay. Had a laptop die on me. :( See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

Thirteen

Gabby smirked as she walked in with Jay through the firehouse doors. "Oh, come on now," Cruz lamented, albeit jokingly. "We're letting anyone sit in on a shift now?"

"Anytime you wanna do some _real_ work, I'll take you on a ride along," Jay shot back, smirking.

The guys at the Squad table said, "ohhhh," as they stood up and greeted Jay with a round of handshakes.

"How're you doing?" Tony asked.

"Pretty good," Jay replied.

"What brings you here?" Capp asked.

"Well, I can't exactly go back to doing real work, so I figured I'd come sit around here for a change of scenery," Jay teased.

Jay and the guys continued to throw a few verbal barbs back and forth before Gabby said, "okay, come on. Let's take this off the apparatus floor."

Jay walked into the kitchen with her, saying hi to Otis and Mouch as Hermann came up to him. "You doing okay, Detective?" Hermann asked, reaching out to shake Jay's hand.

"I'm getting by," Jay answered honestly, shaking Hermann's hand.

"When can you get back on the job?"

"I got another week or so of physical therapy before I can even think about going back into the precinct."

"So, you figured you'd come by the firehouse instead?"

Jay chuckled lightly. "Have _you_ ever tried to say no to Gabby?"

The firemen laughed as Gabby feigned upset.

Boden walked in as the group had begun to trade jabs with Jay yet again, which had caused all conversation to cease. "Detective," he said.

"Chief," Jay replied, standing as Boden walked over to him.

"Good to see you back on your feet."

"Thanks, Chief."

"Chief, Jay didn't have anything to do today, so I thought maybe it'd be okay if he hung out here for a while," Gabby said.

Boden nodded as he kept his eyes on Jay. "Fine by me," he said.

Jay nodded.

"Make yourself comfortable, Detective."

"Thanks, Chief," Jay replied, shaking Boden's hand.

Boden patted Jay on the shoulder before walking away. As Jay sat back down, Borrelli came in with Pouch, who immediately came over to see who the new guy was. Jay smiled as he pet Pouch, who dropped quickly onto her back for some belly rubs.

"I see how it is," Borrelli teased, looking at the dog.

Jay smiled. "Sorry, man," he said.

"Nah, it's cool."

* * *

After a few hours, the entire house was sent to a call, and Jay found himself alone within the firehouse. He walked out of the kitchen, walking slowly through the halls. He looked at all the pictures on the wall, thinking about how the precinct didn't have any of those, and why they really didn't.

"We don't have time for photos," he muttered to himself.

He found himself drawn to a picture of Leslie Shay, and he stood before it, staring at it. Fixated on it. He hadn't known Shay all that well, but he knew that she had been Gabby's best friend and partner-in-crime. He'd met Shay some time after he and Gabby had gotten together, and while she wasn't cold to him, she wasn't exactly warm to him, either. He'd realized that Shay had been mad over how the whole thing with Arthur went down, and while he didn't blame her for being upset, he thought she could've at _least_ cut him some slack.

Or, maybe she had, and he'd never noticed.

A missed opportunity.

Not for anything romantic, but a missed opportunity for a better relationship. But, as he'd come to figure out throughout his life, life didn't always give you a chance at a second attempt. So, he mostly wondered about how she looked out for the firefighters at 51.

"She was something else," a voice behind him said.

Jay turned around to find Casey behind him.

"Tough as hell, but twice as funny," he added.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you guys come back," Jay said.

"That's alright."

Jay nodded, looking back at Shay.

"Are you okay?" Casey asked.

Jay shrugged. "Why'd she die?" he asked.

"A ceiling beam…"

"No, I know _how_ she died," Jay interrupted. "But… _why_? Why did someone who was so awesome, and so well loved, have to die…"

"While you're still here?" Casey finished for him.

Jay paused any movements, wondering how transparent he was to Casey.

"I like to believe that things happen for a reason," Casey answered. "And we aren't always meant to know that reason. But, I think the better question is, what makes you think Shay was any better than you?"

"Huh?" Jay asked.

"You described her as awesome and well loved. How would you describe you?"

Jay didn't have to answer, as Gabby walked up. "There you are," she said. "Antonio said he'd be by in a little to bring you home."

"Okay," Jay said, walking away from Casey and heading back toward the kitchen.

"What was that about?" she asked Casey.

Casey just shrugged and shook his head.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I'm glad you all appreciated the trip Jay took to the firehouse! See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review! :)

* * *

Fourteen

Jay had finally managed to escape and evade enough to get down to the district (by cab, because he still wasn't cleared to drive yet), where he wound his way through the basement to Mouse's corner of the precinct. Mouse's only reaction to the footsteps behind him was to dig out a beer and hand it back toward the newcomer without turning around.

"Thanks," Jay replied softly.

Mouse simply nodded without another word.

Jay sighed as he took a sip from his beer, sitting in the only other chair in the cramped room. Mouse finished what he was working on before turning to look back at Jay. "You look better," he told his friend.

"Thanks, I guess," Jay replied.

"I take it you're not feeling much better."

Jay shrugged.

"It's gonna take time," Mouse reminded him.

"I know." Jay shifted his weight in the chair.

"You'll be okay."

"I know," Jay repeated.

Mouse arched his eyebrows at him. "Do you?"

Jay shrugged one shoulder. "I'm starting to believe it, anyway."

Mouse nodded. "Good."

Jay nodded slowly, taking a drink from the beer. "I keep thinking about…"

"Yeah, I figured you would," Mouse said.

"I'm sorry, man. I'm really sorry."

"For what?"

"You carried me back, and I wasn't really there for you when everything…"

"You were there," Mouse reminded him. "You always tried to keep me clean. Hell, it actually worked… eventually. I mean, I'm here now, right?"

Jay shrugged slightly.

"Wouldn't be working for the district if it wasn't for you," Mouse continued.

"Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?" Jay asked.

"Well, it helped me turn my life around, so I'd say it was pretty good."

"Doesn't feel like enough."

Mouse shrugged. "Not to you, and not right now, but you'll get there."

Jay furrowed his brow. "That doesn't make much sense."

Mouse shrugged again. "Long day."

Jay nodded, saying nothing else as he drank his beer.

* * *

Jay had snuck his way upstairs after he knew most of the team should've gone home for the night. The person he did find still in the squad room was Voight.

Hank looked up to find Jay standing next to his own desk, almost frozen in the spot. Hank made his way out of his office to meet up with Jay.

"You look good," Hank said.

Jay shrugged slightly. "I'm gettin' there."

Hank grabbed a chair, and gestured for Jay to sit down as well. Jay pulled his chair out from behind his desk, sitting down across from Hank. "How are you feeling?" the older man asked.

"Alright," Jay replied.

Hank arched his eyebrows.

"Some days are better than others," Jay conceded.

"Today's a good day?" Hank asked.

"Today… today's a day."

Hank nodded.

"Thanks."

"For what?" Hank asked.

"Not telling anyone," Jay answered. "Letting me do it. I… I know how hard it had to be, given our team…"

Hank smirked slightly.

"But… it makes it… I wouldn't say easier, but… I don't know."

"They didn't need to know, unless you wanted them to know," Hank explained simply.

"Yeah, I know," Jay replied. "And… with them being dead… there's no trial, so…"

Hank nodded, understanding _exactly_ what Jay meant: the rest of the team never had to find out.

"I guess Erin was a little pissed, huh?" Jay said with a smile.

"A little," Hank affirmed.

Jay shook his head.

"Who else have you told?"

"Just her. And Will." Jay shrugged somewhat. "I'm surprised at how well he seemed to take it. His temper's only a little worse than mine."

"Have you talked about it since?"

Jay's silence answered that question.

"You don't want them to know the details," Hank surmised.

"I figured Erin could figure some of them out, given the way the case turned. But… no, I really haven't…" Jay's voice trailed off.

"How's therapy going?" Hank redirected slightly.

"Which type?"

"Any of them."

"I think I'm on my last week of occupational therapy. Physical therapy, she wants to keep working until I can run and jump a little better, so that I can get back to work. Therapy with Dr. Charles… I still have a long way to go."

Hank nodded, somewhat surprised at Jay's openness.

Jay looked down to the floor. "Voight, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Hank replied.

"Do I still have a spot here in Intelligence? Or should I be thinking about another department?"

Hank didn't answer, causing Jay to nod to himself.

"Maybe I should start looking now," he whispered softly as he looked at his hands.

"Jay, listen to me," Hank said.

Jay looked up.

"Right now, you need to worry about passing a physical eval. Then, you gotta pass another psych eval. After that, we'll know where you stand."

Jay nodded, more to himself than anything else.

"No one's sitting at your desk," Hank told him.

Jay offered a glimmer of a smile.

Hank watched Jay as his body language began to shift from down to uncomfortable.

"How do I talk about things with Erin?" he blurted out.

"What things?" Hank asked.

Jay shook his head.

"When you were kidnapped?"

"That… and the… the nightmares…" Jay exhaled slowly, feeling his palms growing sweaty as he bounced his leg slightly, mostly out of discomfort than anything else. "They're all… they're all… twisting. Some, I have a gun to my head while Keyes is behind me… others… others are much worse…"

Hank nodded.

"How do I talk to her about that?" Jay asked. "How do I do that and… and not lose something… make her think that I'm… I'm weak, or… or that I'm… I'm g-gay?"

"Jay," Hank started, battling in his head to find the right words. After all, comforting wasn't exactly his strong suit. "What happened to you… it doesn't mean any of those things."

Jay shook his head. "I should've gotten away sooner."

"You were chained down on a dirty mattress on the floor."

Jay closed his eyes.

"There was three of them, and one of you," Hank continued. "They drugged you, and they beat you. They…"

"Stop," Jay said softly, finding himself tensing toward the fetal position.

Hank put his hand on top of Jay's shoulder.

"It doesn't make it easier," Jay whispered.

"What doesn't?" Hank asked.

"Hearing it… it's not… it doesn't change… what I think."

Hank said nothing, just squeezed Jay's shoulder gently.

Jay shook his head, but didn't say anything else, as he brought his hands up toward his hair. After a moment, he sighed, shifting. "I should probably get home before Will worries that I made a break for it," he said.

Hank shrugged, but continued to say nothing.

Jay stood up. "Thanks," he said.

Hank nodded.

"Night."

Hank watched as Jay made his way out of the squad room, knowing that Jay had so much left to get through before things really got better.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: I'm glad you guys have enjoyed the past few chapters. I truly appreciate all the reviews! This one's slightly more heart wrenching (have tissues ready!) and has a little more of Chicago Med in it at points. I also take my best guess at what happened to Jay overseas. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you all enjoy this one, and please review! :)

* * *

Fifteen

 _The screams._

 _All he could hear were the horrified screams of people who had no idea what was happening to them. And he was paralyzed by the sounds of their screams, wanting to help them but finding himself stuck where he was._

 _The screams died down as the smell of death surrounded him, reminding him just how bad things were. They were hiding in this hole, praying for a way to get out while they barely held their own insides intact. Meanwhile, the roar of the fire mixed with the smell of burning and decomposing flesh…_

 _It was enough to make him sick._

 _He wanted to vomit, but nothing came out. His throat was clogged, and try as he might to clear it, there was an object obstructing it. He realized quickly that the object was a part of a human being, and as much as he wanted to get it out of him, he couldn't, because he couldn't move._

 _He tried, but all he felt was heavy limbs. Rattling chains covered the sounds of the moaning around him, and he kept trying to figure out where these noises were coming from. There was them, and there was him. And then, he realized._

 _It was him._

 _He couldn't scream with his mouth obstructed, so he moaned instead. The chains were from him, trying to figure out how to get free so he could breathe, or scream, or do something. He wanted to bite down, but found himself unable to even do that._

 _So, he did his best to keep fighting, because there wasn't anything else he could do. But he was caught up in something… he whimpered, trying to free himself, fighting harder, and then…_

 _ **Thud.**_

* * *

At the sound of a body landing harshly on the floor, Will sprang up out of bed and quickly rushed to Jay's side. Jay continued to fight with his blankets, whimpering and kicking as tears rolled down his face.

"Jay," Will said, reaching out toward Jay.

Will's reward was a left hook to the jaw.

"Jay," Will said louder, reaching out for Jay's hands.

Jay continued to tremble and fidget.

Will tapped Jay's cheek gently, like he did when Jay was younger and he wanted Jay's attention. "Jay," he tried again.

This time, Jay's eyes shot open, and he immediately began panting and trying to curl up into a ball. Will grabbed a pillow off the bed, tucking under Jay's head as his brother shook. Will ran his hand through Jay's hair as Jay clutched the sheets to his chest.

"You're okay," Will told him softly. "It's okay. You're safe now."

Jay began to settle down as Will continued to attempt to soothe his brother. Finally, Jay settled enough to push himself up to sit on the floor with his back against the bed.

Will moved to sit next to him against the bed, his shoulder touching Jay's. Jay didn't move or react, at first, but found himself leaning his head against the bed in Will's direction.

"You wanna talk about it?" Will asked.

Jay shrugged. "Bad dream," he said simply.

"What was it about?"

Jay inhaled deeply before exhaling slowly. "It started with the ambush… the one Mouse and I survived… and somehow, I ended up… I was… it was…" Jay's hands started shaking, causing Will to reach out and hold them lightly.

Will sat patiently, waiting for Jay to say anything else.

"I can't," Jay whispered.

"It's okay," Will told him. "I'll be here either way."

Jay shook his head. "It's not fair, Will," he said. "I'm the cop. I'm the soldier. I'm the older brother. I should be stronger than this. You… you shouldn't have to…"

"Jay, listen to me. You've been through more hell in your life than anyone I know. And you're still here, _because_ you're strong. But we all need some help from time to time. No one can be a statue all of the time."

Jay nodded as he pulled his knees up against his chest.

"You've been there for me for a lot," Will continued. "That's what family does. That's what _brothers_ do."

Jay hugged his knees, frowning. "Will, I don't know if I can get through this," he said softly.

"You can. And I'm going to help you."

Jay didn't say anything else as they sat against the side of the bed.

* * *

"You look wonderful this morning," Natalie said as she looked at Will across the counter.

Will shrugged lightly as he scribbled in the chart.

"Rough night?" she asked.

Will again didn't say anything, but did lift his pen off the chart to gesture at the locker room. Both of them ducked in after finishing up their charts.

"Rough night?" she asked again.

"I can't remember the last time it _wasn't_ a rough night," Will replied solemnly.

"Jay?"

He nodded.

She grabbed his hand gently. "How bad?" she inquired lightly.

"The nightmares seem to be getting worse. And, I don't know if it will get much better any time soon, or if this will all go away someday, but… I need to be there, Nat. Until he says he doesn't want me there anymore…"

She nodded. "What can I do?"

He shook his head. "I wish there _was_ something you could do."

She wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. He returned the hug, resting his head briefly on her shoulder. As they let go, he whispered, "thank you."

"Anytime," she replied softly, giving him a slight squeeze before leaving the locker room.

* * *

Jay sat in the living room, resting after a long session of physical therapy, as Dr. Charles sat on another chair near him.

"How are the nightmares?" he asked.

Jay snorted. "They still suck," he replied.

"As bad as they have been?"

Jay shrugged. "They're all… I mean, it's like everything's blurring into one."

"What do you mean?"

"My nightmares… they're not just about when I was kidnapped. They're from the thing with Keyes, and overseas, and every bad thing that ever happened. They're all rolling into one, and I just… I can't get a handle on them."

"Because they keep changing?"

Jay nodded.

"Who did you talk to after all of those things?" Dr. Charles asked as he shifted toward Jay.

Jay shrugged. "Didn't really talk to anyone," he said.

"So, you never really dealt with them."

"I don't know. I guess I did deal with them, because I functioned. And, I think I've done a pretty good job of functioning up until now."

"That's fair. But, they're back at the forefront now. Why do you think that is?"

Jay bit the inside of his lip pensively. "Because… because I'm fucked up. And I don't know what's going on, so I just… I just keep going through every bad thing I've ever done or went through… and everything just… just keeps running through."

"What happened overseas?"

Jay inhaled deeply before exhaling. "We were ambushed," he started as he closed his eyes. "Me and Mouse, and a bunch of other guys… our convoy was attacked. Mortar fire. We… we jumped out of the Humvees and had to hide, because they were everywhere, and they were shooting. We managed to make it into a ditch, but me and Mouse… we were hurt from the mortars. We could hear our buddies screaming as they burned, smelled it…" Jay paused, shaking his head. "We… we had to wait until nightfall before we could think of moving, but by then, I couldn't really move, because I'd been hurt pretty bad and was bleeding for a while, so Mouse ended up carrying me the 20 clicks back to base." Jay opened his eyes. "I remember, as he did, seeing all the other guys who'd been with us, who'd gotten out of the Humvees… all guys we'd been telling jokes with that morning… all with their eyes open, guts hanging out… rotting away after spending all day in the sun…"

"Sounds horrible," Dr. Charles acknowledged.

"Yeah," Jay breathed. "We got them home, though."

"That's good."

Jay shook his head. "As bad as that may have been, I know that other guys had it worse. We didn't get captured. We got to go home."

"That's true."

"I know Mouse had a hard time. He wasn't hurt bad in the attack, and I don't know if that made him feel guilty, or something else, but he just… he… I don't know. He just struggled."

"But you didn't."

Jay shrugged. "It wasn't easy. And when I became a cop… every dead body at first… all I could see were my buddies."

"How'd you get through that?"

"Focused on each victim as a person. Made sure I found justice for them. Started working out and hitting things with Antonio."

"And that worked for you?"

Jay nodded.

"And, I recognize that you haven't been able to do any of that right now," Dr. Charles said.

"I don't think it would even help," Jay said.

"Why not?"

"Because… this is different."

"How so?"

"Then, I was angry… I knew I was done with the service, but I was angry about my buddies dying, angry about how things went with Mouse… just… just angry."

"And now?"

"I don't know what I am. Just… just fucked up."

"You keep saying that," Dr. Charles said. "But, what do you mean? You're not angry. So, what are you? Confused, scared, hurt…?"

Jay thought for a moment. "A little confused," he said. "Embarrassed… ashamed… guilty… scared… worried… concerned… annoyed… bothered… irritated… depressed… anxious… weak… hesitant… upset… hurt… frustrated…" He paused. "Did I mention scared and worried?"

"I believe you did."

Jay nodded.

"What you're feeling, they're all normal after what you've been through. Many people who've been through what you have… they all feel the same. I think you'll find that your friend, Mouse, may have more insight in how to deal with this than you think."

"I know he does," Jay said. "But… I can't… I can't ask him to."

"Why not?" Dr. Charles asked.

"Because… I already… he already carried me out of hell. I can't ask him to prop me up again."

"You've done that for him."

Jay shrugged. "That's different. I just helped him get a job to help him get things straight, that's all."

"But sometimes, that's all it takes to turn things around."

Jay didn't say anything, just thinking.

"How's your relationship with Erin?" Dr. Charles asked after a moment.

"I don't know," Jay replied. "I mean, we're still together, and she stays over here a lot, but… I don't know. I feel like I'm just not… like I don't… like she deserves better than me right now, because… I don't know where my head is right now, and I'm having a hard time sorting things out for myself." Jay sighed. "It's like, I've been so worried about getting up and getting around, and now that I can… I just…"

"You need to focus on the things you're trying not to deal with," Dr. Charles supplied for him.

Jay nodded. "Yeah. And… and I don't want to burden her…"

"Why?"

Jay shrugged. "What if she leaves me?"

"What if she does?"

Jay shook his head. "I don't know."

"Do you love her?"

Jay nodded.

"Do you trust her?"

"Yeah," Jay said.

"Does she love you?" Dr. Charles asked.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Does she trust you?"

"Yeah."

"Did you tell her what happened?"

"Not in detail."

"And what happened?"

"She left," Jay said. "I guess she went to go yell at Voight for not telling her. She was there when I woke up in the morning, though."

"So, she stepped out to deal with her emotions before coming back and being there for you," Dr. Charles said.

Jay nodded.

"Do you think she'd leave you?"

"I don't think so, but… I really can't convince myself of that," Jay said.

Dr. Charles nodded.

"I just hope she'll put up with me," Jay added.

"Give her a chance," Dr. Charles advised.

Jay simply nodded in response.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: I apologize for the long delay between chapters... I was participating in NaNoWriMo this year, and am happy to day that I won the challenge. :) See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review. :)

* * *

Sixteen

She was surprised to find him at her place, making dinner, when she got home from work. "Who let you in?" she asked him.

"You gave me a key," he replied, smiling slightly.

Erin walked over and put her hand on Jay's shoulder. "Well, then, I guess I'll just have to put up with that, huh?"

Jay smiled wider before arching his eyebrows.

She stepped forward, kissing him gently on the cheek.

"This is almost ready," he told her.

"Good, I'm starving," she replied, grabbing some plates for them.

* * *

 _It feels so normal_ , Jay thought to himself, as he and Erin shared dinner together. Their conversation was light, revolving predominantly around precinct hijinx and Will's new sorta-girlfriend.

"Have you met her yet?" Erin asked.

Jay shook his head. "He says that they're not together, that they're just friends, but…"

"He talks about her a lot for her to just be a friend?" she finished for him.

"Pretty much."

"So, he finally closed the deal with Natalie?"

Jay shook his head. "Her name is Nina."

"Really? Who's Nina?"

"A pathologist."

"Really."

Jay nodded.

"So, she cuts up dead bodies."

"Yep."

"And that works for him?" Erin asked.

"I guess," Jay replied. "Must remind him of his plastic surgery days, when he was cutting up people who were dead inside."

Erin scoffed, shaking her head at Jay's comment.

Jay didn't say anything else, picking at his food.

"Is that how you feel?" she asked after a moment.

"Huh?" Jay replied.

"Do you feel dead inside?"

He shrugged slightly. "Some days."

"How many days?"

"Not every day."

"But, most days."

He shrugged again, knowing that was more of an answer to her than any words would say.

She frowned, reaching out and taking his hand in hers.

"I'm doing better," he assured her. "It's getting better."

She nodded, but still frowned and squeezed his hand.

"Please, don't do that," he whispered.

"Do what?" she asked.

"Please, don't… don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you do when a victim says something that upsets you. I mean, I-I know. I know I'm a victim. But… please… please don't make me feel like…" He looked down at the table.

"I'm sorry," she told him. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"There you go again," he said quietly.

She closed her eyes, pulling her hand away from his.

"I… I better go," he said, standing up from the table.

"Jay," she started.

"No, it's okay. I just… I need to get some air."

She nodded, standing up as well. He reached over, giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before turning and leaving Erin's place for the night.

* * *

He swirled the ice around in his glass, watching the amber liquid swirl around the ice cubes. He paused before taking a sip, feeling the liquor burn slightly as it trailed its way down his throat. He sighed heavily, letting loose the burning from his belly.

Until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"What's goin' on there, brother?" Adam asked as he sat down on the bar stool next to Jay.

"Not much," Jay replied.

"Good to see you out and about."

"Thanks." Jay took a drink from his glass as Otis made his way over to get Adam's drink order. Jay nodded to Otis to order another one as he polished off the liquid left in his current one.

"You alright?"

Jay shrugged, feeling the buzz from the Scotch he was drinking. "I don't even know anymore."

Adam furrowed his brow as Otis dropped off the drinks. Both men threw money down on the counter before Adam said, "what's up?"

Jay shook his head. "Just… hate when a good moment goes bad."

Adam tilted his head, still confused as he looked at Jay. "What do you mean?"

Jay shook his head again, choosing to drink instead.

Adam was still confused, but didn't add anything further. The two drank in silence until Jay attempted to stand up and nearly fell over. "Easy there, boss," Adam said, reaching out for Jay's arm.

Jay jerked his arm away quickly, and teetered again in the process. He landed against the bar with a loud thud, which caused a few people in Molly's to look at him. "I'm okay," he said.

"Dude, I think you're kinda drunk," Adam told him. "I just wanna make sure you get home alright."

"I'm fine," Jay urged again, pushing himself off the bar.

Adam didn't say anything, but did tail Jay out of the bar. When Jay headed for his car, Adam intervened, grabbing Jay's keys out of his hand. "I can't let you drive tonight, man," Adam told him.

"Why not?" Jay snapped, trying to snatch his keys back and failing.

"Come on, man. You're staggering and stumbling when you walk. I don't even know when you became cleared to drive."

"I am, so I'm gonna."

"Dude, you're drunk. I can't let you drive home."

"So what if I've been drinking?"

"'So what?' That's what you got to say to me? 'So what?'"

"Yeah. So what?"

Adam shook his head. "How many accident scenes have you been to in your career, where someone was drunk and decided they were going to drive home? How many times did the drunk guy walk away, but take someone else's life with them? Is that what you want? You want to destroy someone else's life?"

"No," Jay said softly.

"Dude, I can't let you hurt anyone else. I don't want you to hurt yourself, but I _really_ can't let you hurt someone else."

Jay looked at the ground, defeated, but nodded in acknowledgement to Adam's words. Adam sighed, gently putting his hand on Jay's shoulder.

"Come on," he said softly. "Let's get you home."

Jay shook his head. "I don't wanna go there," he replied, his voice empty and desolate.

Adam furrowed his brow. "Where do you wanna go?"

Jay looked at Adam. "Chicago Med."

Adam didn't ask why, just walked with Jay down the block to the train.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: I'm so sorry for the long delay, especially since that was a slight cliffhanger. I want to thank you all so much for sticking by me with the slow updates. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and please review!

* * *

Seventeen

"Can I help you?" the receptionist in the ER asked.

"Uh," Adam started, before looking at Jay. "Is Dr. Halstead in? His brother wants to see him." Adam nodded at Jay, who was standing frozen at the desk, staring down at his feet.

"I don't think so, but I'll check," she said, picking up the phone. After a quick conversation, she said, "he's not, but you can head to the back and they'll call him for you."

"Thanks." Adam led Jay through the doors of the ER, finding the night shift bustling about quietly. They didn't recognize hardly anyone in there, because they were typically here in the daytime hours. But then, April made her way around the corner, and tilted her head at the sight of them.

"What brings you two in here?" she asked.

"Looking for a doctor, I think," Adam replied.

"Which one?"

Adam looked at Jay, who was still looking down at his feet. "I'm guessing Dr. Halstead, but I don't know."

"Dr. Charles," Jay said softly.

Adam looked quickly at Jay.

April made a face. "He's not here right now, but why don't you come sit back here, and I'll page him for you, okay?"

Jay nodded as she led him to an empty exam room, and gestured for the two of them to sit and make themselves comfortable. Jay looked at his hands, but didn't say anything. Adam leaned against the wall near the curtain, also not talking. Adam wasn't sure if he should say something, or leave, or what to do. And Jay didn't seem to be in the mood to say much. In fact, he hadn't said a word to Adam the entire ride over here.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Wheeler," he said as he made his way in. "What's going on?"

Adam furrowed his brow.

Jay just shook his head.

"I think we're okay here, Doc," Adam said gently. "Just need Dr. Charles."

Dr. Wheeler nodded, noting a dejected Jay and a supportive Adam. "I'll page him for you," he offered.

"Thanks."

Dr. Wheeler ducked out of the room, leaving Jay and Adam alone.

"I can't do this," Jay whispered after a few minutes.

Adam took a few steps toward the gurney where Jay was sitting and dangling his feet off the edge. "Do what?" Adam asked.

Jay didn't say anything else, just absently kicking his foot gently.

Adam squatted down in front of Jay, getting into his line of sight. "Talk to me, man."

Jay shook his head.

"I can help you."

Jay continued to stay silent.

Adam stayed where he was, determined not to give up.

Jay may have been drunk, but he didn't feel like talking just yet, and so, he wasn't going to.

And that's how the two of them remained.

* * *

Dr. Reese came in first, finding the pseudo-staring contest. She watched silently, waiting to see if either one would acknowledge her as she tried to determine what, exactly, was going on here. Adam was still squatting in front of Jay, putting himself in a submissive position. And yet, Jay's body language screamed that he, in fact, was the submissive in this situation.

Which surprised her.

Here was a decorated soldier, an older brother, and an excellent police detective. The best of the best. And clearly, something had happened, that had broken his self-image to the extent that he couldn't even look Adam in the eye, even though Adam was making every attempt to prove that Jay was the dominant.

Adam, on the other hand, was clearly also out of the loop of what was going on with Jay. His concern and compassion rolled off of him in palpable waves, hiding his underlying confusion and pain. Pain that, as far as Dr. Reese could tell, was directed at the fact that he didn't know what was going on with his friend, only that his friend was hurting and that he couldn't do anything to help him. Which, Dr. Reese knew, was because Jay wouldn't let him in. What she couldn't figure out was why. They'd been working together for the better part of 3 years, and yet, Jay wasn't willing to open up and trust Adam. And Adam kept trying, but Jay wasn't willing to bend.

Not yet, anyway.

She couldn't tell if Adam was wearing him down, but she got the feeling that Adam's legs were getting worn out, so she pushed a stool over to him. Adam jumped at the slight contact the stool made against his legs, and he looked over to see Dr. Reese, who offered a warm smile. Adam nodded in response, moving the stool behind him and sitting on it.

It didn't change Adam's overall position, but it _did_ give his legs a break.

Jay seemed to notice the stool, and looked over at Dr. Reese. He nodded to her slightly before appearing to shrink ever so slightly further into the bed. She took a step forward from her perch.

"I'm Dr. Reese," she told them. "I, uh, I work with Dr. Charles. He's on his way in, I promise. But, I was wondering if there's anything I can do."

Adam looked at Jay, who didn't say anything.

"Maybe get you guys some water, or coffee?"

"Coffee would be good," Adam said softly.

Jay didn't react at all.

"Maybe some water," Adam added.

"Got it," Dr. Reese said, turning to walk out of the room.

"Thanks."

She nodded, leaving the room for the moment and heading for the break room, where she knew she'd find some halfway decent coffee for them. As she poured two cups, she started to piece together what she'd walked into.

Jay was shut down, inside himself, and the harder Adam pushed, the further away he went. Seeing her sent Jay even further within himself. He was withdrawn, silent, and desolate. And, from the report she'd heard from April and Dr. Wheeler, likely drunk, which meant he was self-medicating. She didn't know what, exactly, had happened, but she had a good guess on what she was seeing.

PTSD.

 _Well, I'm not sure we call it that anymore,_ she thought to herself, as the words post-traumatic stress syndrome flew through her head. But she figured that Jay must have been having a bad day in his syndrome, which was why he was clamping down.

And, she realized, he was a patient of Dr. Charles, which was why he came _here_.

But, what she couldn't figure out was why Dr. Charles had called her to come in too. Somewhere along the line, Jay had been trained to keep his emotions inside and to trust very few. And while Dr. Charles was working with Jay, and she was Dr. Charles's resident, she could see that he asked her to come to see. But, Jay wasn't about to talk to her.

But, would Adam?

Dr. Reese grabbed two bottles of water as she made her way back to the room. She handed each of them a cup before putting the bottles of water next to Jay on the bed. Adam took a drink from his cup while Jay just held it in his hands, a reaction she actually _was_ expecting.

Jay would drink the coffee, when he felt like it, but the warmth of the cup meant something to him. Whereas Adam, he saw a cup of coffee, and drank it. Because Adam just wanted the refreshment, whereas Jay didn't exactly know what he wanted.

So, Dr. Reese stood, leaning against the doorjamb and watching for any signs that either one was going to speak.

And yet, nothing came.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: I'm sorry for the long delays. Between life, and everything else, my muse for this story picks and chooses its moments to make appearances, so it's taking me a little longer to get a chapter done. But, I do thank you all for staying with me, and for reviewing. I definitely appreciate it. :) See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you enjoy this one, and please review!

* * *

Eighteen

Dr. Charles arrived in the ER to find Dr. Reese leaning against the doorjamb of one of the treatment rooms, which was his clue as to where to go. She smiled at him, stepping out of the doorway and over to the nurse's station. "What do we got?" he asked his resident.

"Best I can tell?" she said. "Jay's having a rough night. He's also sobering up. Adam's just trying to be supportive for him, but Jay's not talking. I think he's suffering from a break associated with PTSS. Just, shut down and not willing to talk. Probably the same reason he was drinking. I think something happened today that set him off."

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

Dr. Charles nodded. "How about you talk with Adam, and I'll take Jay."

"Makes sense, since he's your patient."

Dr. Charles arched his eyebrows.

"He came here, because he didn't know where else to go," she surmised. "He knew he was in trouble, so he came looking for you. Adam didn't know who Jay was looking for until they got here, and he was just coming to make sure Jay was safe. But Jay wouldn't talk to me, even though I identified that I work with you, which tells me that he doesn't trust just anyone. So, he wouldn't ask for you if you weren't his doctor."

"Maybe I'm just his friend," Dr. Charles countered.

"I don't think so. He's in a bad place. Needs more than a friend. If he only needed a friend, he would've gone to his girlfriend, or someone else on his team. He needed his doctor, so he came here."

Dr. Charles nodded, heading into the room with Dr. Reese behind him. Adam looked up at the two of them, standing up from the stool to walk over to the doctors. Not because he was giving up, Dr. Charles noticed. He was relieved that someone was here who could help Jay.

"Adam, why don't we get something to eat?" Dr. Reese asked, ushering him out of the room.

Dr. Charles shook his head. "Subtle, huh?" he asked.

Jay didn't respond.

"She's good, though," he continued. "Dedicated to the work, cares a lot… she's gonna go far."

Jay kept staring at the cup of coffee in his hand.

"Listen, you want to get out of here and go get a better cup?"

Jay shook his head.

Dr. Charles nodded, seeing what Dr. Reese meant by something happened. "What's going on tonight, Jay?"

Jay shrugged.

"You came here because you wanted to talk, right?"

Jay closed his eyes.

"What can I help you with tonight?"

"I don't know," Jay said finally. "I don't know what's wrong."

"Let's talk."

Jay shifted to be laying down on the gurney instead of sitting on the side as he had been. He instinctively curled his knees toward his chest and turned his back to Dr. Charles.

"Where do you want to start?" Dr. Charles asked, sitting down on the stool.

"I went to Erin's this afternoon," Jay started softly. "I made dinner, and… and we were eating. We were talking, it was… it was normal. I… I started it, I guess. I made a joke that the reason Will likes Nina so much is because he used to fix up people who were dead inside… and she… she called me on it, in a way."

Dr. Charles didn't say anything, just watching Jay.

"I mean… it's not… I'm not…" Jay closed his eyes, trying to figure out the words he wanted to say. "I don't always feel dead. Just… I can't help it."

"After all that you've been through, I would think most people would feel that way, on some level," Dr. Charles said.

Jay chose not to respond, only to bring his knees closer to his chest.

Dr. Charles shifted on the stool, just patiently waiting for Jay to say something else.

* * *

"So, you're a psych resident?" Adam asked as they picked out snacks at the vending machine.

"Yeah," Dr. Reese replied.

"How do you like it?"

She shrugged. "I'm still trying to get used to it."

Adam looked over at her. "Big adjustment?"

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. I wasn't really practicing before I started this residency." She shrugged, more to herself than to Adam. "What about you?"

"What about me?" he asked.

"How are you adjusting?" she asked him.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, not working with Jay… it's been a while now, hasn't it?"

Adam shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

"Tonight couldn't have been easy… I mean, I saw how he was when I came in, and I have the feeling that's how he came in tonight. I mean… it's gotta be tough."

Adam paused, thinking for a moment. "I guess I didn't really think about it," he said. "I mean, it sucks to see him like that, but… he's got it a hell of a lot worse than I do."

Dr. Reese nodded.

* * *

"Let's talk a little bit about your strengths," Dr. Charles tried, as Jay continued to lay on his side facing away from the doctor.

"What strengths?" Jay muttered.

"You tell me."

"I'm not sure I have any."

"What would you have said your strengths were if this was five months ago?"

Jay shrugged. "I'm a good cop."

"What else?"

"I don't know," Jay said softly, finally shifting on the gurney to lay on his back.

"You've managed to move multiple times without spilling your coffee," Dr. Charles pointed out.

Jay chuckled faintly.

"You've maintained a strong relationship with Erin," Dr. Charles continued. "You're a great brother to Will. Great friend."

"Great skeptic," Jay added quietly.

"That's actually a healthy thing."

"I guess."

"So, in the months since, which of those strengths has actually changed?"

"I'm not a cop right now."

"But, your deductive ability hasn't changed."

"Not as far as I know."

"Would you say that you and Erin still have a strong relationship?"

Jay shrugged. "I don't know. Good, maybe. But I don't know if strong is the word."

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't know."

Dr. Charles shifted his position on the stool. "You're still together. You still love and trust each other. Sounds strong to me."

"But, it's different."

"How so?"

Jay thought for a moment as he bobbed his leg anxiously. "It just is," he said.

"Because you're different?" Dr. Charles asked.

Jay didn't say anything.

"Just because you don't feel strong, doesn't mean that your relationship isn't strong," Dr. Charles continued. "A healthy relationship includes the partners taking turns being the main support for one another. No one is a statue, Jay. I think you already know that. But, it's okay to lean on Erin if you need to."

"She treats me like a victim," Jay said, somewhat sharply.

And finally, Dr. Charles understood what had triggered tonight.

"The way she talks… the looks…" Jay closed his eyes. "I hate it. I can't… I can't take it. It makes me feel worse than I already do. Makes me not want to talk to her, not want to tell her anything… and I know that's not healthy for a relationship."

"Have you tried talking to her about it?" Dr. Charles asked.

Jay shook his head. "I've asked her not to, but…"

"You think that maybe she can't help it?"

"I don't know." Jay sighed. "I mean, I know. I know that I'm a victim, and that… that I can't really get around that. But… it's just… it's a lot of pressure when she makes me feel like I'm a victim, and I feel like I have to prove her wrong, but… I don't know if I can."

"Do you think she expects you to?"

"To what, prove her wrong or be okay?"

"Both."

Jay shrugged. "No clue."

Dr. Charles nodded. "What about Will?"

"Will…" Jay furrowed his brows, thinking. "Will is just… he's there. I mean, he's supportive, and he doesn't mind listening to me talk, or rant, or… whatever."

"Does he see you as a victim?"

"I don't know." Jay sat up on the side of the gurney. "If he does, he doesn't say anything. I guess, being a doctor… I mean, I know he cares, but… I don't know. It's different." Jay finally took a sip from the now-cold coffee. "He's my brother. He's family. I… I guess I also don't tell him as much as Erin."

"Any particular reason?"

Jay shrugged, taking another sip from the coffee and cringing. "I don't know. Protecting him, I guess."

"Because he's your brother?"

"Because he's my _little_ brother," Jay said. "He's always been my little brother. I've always protected him."

"You don't think he could handle it if you told him?" Dr. Charles asked.

"He could handle it. But… I just… I don't want things to change. I don't want him to look at me any different than he does now. It's bad enough he knows… I don't want anything to change any more than it already has."

"He may surprise you."

Jay chuckled softly. "You always say that."

"Have I been wrong yet?"

"When I finally take your advice, I'll let you know."

"Deal."

Jay half-smiled, taking another sip before cringing again. "This really is terrible," he said, putting the cup down on the gurney beside him.

"Trash can's by the door," Dr. Charles said.

Jay nodded. "So, you asked Dr. Reese to psychoanalyze Ruzek?"

"To talk to Adam."

Jay smirked lightly. "I'd love to see what she comes up with."

"I couldn't tell you." Dr. Charles stood up. "I think you and Erin should have an honest talk about what's going on in your relationship. And I think you might want to try talking to Will, as well."

Jay nodded, this time more solemnly than before.

"It takes time and patience," Dr. Charles added. "You're at least opening up more than you had before. You're getting better, Jay. You might want to try focusing on how far you've come, rather than how far you have left to go."

"I'll try," Jay said softly.

"Have Adam take you home so you can get some rest."

Jay nodded.

Dr. Charles started to walk out of the room, before turning back to Jay. "I'll see you on Friday," he said.

"I'll be there," Jay replied.

Dr. Charles nodded before walking out of the room.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Thank you all so much for sticking by me, and for all the reviews! I truly appreciate them. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. This chapter's a little lighter, in a way, but I felt a very necessary chapter. :) I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review!

* * *

Nineteen

The city hummed around him as he stood out on the bridge, watching the river flow under his feet. He stood with a cup of coffee, sipping it occasionally as he felt the chill of the fall air embrace him. The rain had dampened his plan for this walk earlier in the day, but as the weather cleared to a star-studded night, he found himself staring at the moon's reflection off the moving water below.

He found himself alone amidst the crowd scrambling around him, busy trying to get home for the night. Whereas he… he just watched the flow of the water, the moon's reflection, and the stars shining. It was a perfect, peaceful night.

At least it was, until a car came screeching across the bridge and slammed into the metal a few feet away from Jay.

Jay jumped out of the way, but watched as the car barreled through the safeguards of the walkway and almost made it completely through the metal fence that separated the walkway from the river below. The driver was a younger woman, injured and now panicking, as the car teetered slightly toward the river.

Instinctively, Jay immediately dialed 911, reporting the accident as he gingerly approached the car. He could smell the gasoline as he approached, and knew it wouldn't take more than a small spark before the car, and subsequently the woman, burst into flames.

"My name is Jay," he said as he made it to the driver door. "I'm gonna help you."

"Please, get me out of here," she replied, her hands shaking as she tried to open the door. The harder she tried, the more the car rocked, barely holding onto the ledge.

"Just relax," he advised her calmly. "I'm going to help you, but you need to hold still for a little. The more you move, the more the car moves." _And the more likely it catches fire_ , he finished in his head. Almost as if on cue, he heard the gas ignite under the car. Knowing he had mere minutes before the whole thing was an inferno, he told her, "Cover your head."

She did as she was told, as he smashed the window with a piece of metal that had come loose from her initial passage onto the walkway. He quickly cleared the edges before telling her, "hold onto me."

She wrapped her arms around his neck as he pulled her out quickly from the front seat, carrying her to safety as the fire department responded. He moved her a safe distance away from the car as Truck 81 began battling the flames. Gabby and Brett made their way over to Jay and the woman, who was now laying on the ground of the walkway. Severide walked up to Jay as the flames gutted the entire passenger compartment of the car.

"Couldn't wait?" he asked.

Jay looked at Severide, looked to the car, then looked back at Severide.

Severide shook his head. "Huge risk," he told Jay.

Jay shrugged. "She's alive, isn't she?" he replied.

"You could've been killed with her."

"Yeah, I'll try to remember that next time," Jay muttered, as he turned to walk away from Severide.

"Jay," Severide said, grabbing his arm.

Jay turned around.

"Good job."

Jay shrugged, more to himself than anything.

"Alright, Jay, sit down," Gabby said. "I gotta take a look at your arm."

"Why?" he asked.

"You're bleeding."

He looked at his left arm, not even realizing that he was cut. "Huh. Must not have cleared all the glass." He sat down on the walkway, allowing Gabby to clean and dress it.

"It's not deep," she told him. "You'll be okay."

"Just a scratch," he replied.

"You probably saved that girl's life."

He shrugged.

"I mean it," Gabby told him.

"I know you do," he replied.

"You okay?"

He shrugged again. "Tonight's a good night."

"Yeah, I'll say."

Jay smiled lightly as Burgess made her way over to the two of them. "What, are you gonna defect on us now?" she asked Jay teasingly, as Gabby headed back toward the ambulance.

"You wouldn't know what to do without me," Jay shot back.

Burgess smiled. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he replied with a sigh.

"Alright, so tell me what happened…"

* * *

She toyed with his hair as they lay in bed later that night, as he slowly recounted the story of the accident. She listened intently as he talked, finding little to no emotion between the lines as he told the story, more like he was talking about something on the news instead of something that he was involved in.

"Are you okay?" she asked him gently.

He nodded. "Yeah," he told her. "Tonight's been a good night."

She nodded, not completely convinced.

"Although, Severide's a bit of a dick," he added.

She smiled. "Yeah, he can be," she replied.

He turned to face her, laying on his right side. She moved her hand from his hair, down the side of his face, to his neck and ultimately, to his bandaged left arm.

"How's your arm doing?" she asked.

"Feels alright," he replied. "Gabby said it wasn't very deep."

"That's good." She continued to run her hand gently up and down his arm. "How's the rest of you doing?"

"Glad it's not a little crispy," he said with a smile.

She smiled back at him.

"Though, I might have to think twice about walking around there…"

She chuckled softly.

"Have I thanked you lately for being here for me?" he asked.

"You don't need to," she told him. "I told you before- I'm not going anywhere. I love you."

"Love you too." He wrapped his arms around her, finding comfort in her warmth. She rested her head against him, and it wasn't long before they both drifted off to sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews. I truly appreciate them. It's always nice to throw in a happy chapter in a story like this every once in a while... this, however, is not one of them. ;) See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review! :)

* * *

Twenty

The street was abnormally quiet for downtown Chicago. Jay found himself looking around for any bit of life that might exist in the streets, and found almost nothing. He wasn't sure what was going on, considering that he couldn't remember a time in his entire life that the streets had ever been this quiet. And now… it was whisper-quiet, like walking through a graveyard on Halloween night.

The fog was rolling through the streets, coming off of the Chicago river and seething its way through the streets. There was something odd about the fog, and not just because it was coming out of the river. It took Jay a minute to realize that it wasn't really fog, and that it was actually steam.

And that the river was boiling.

Jay wouldn't have thought twice about it if it wasn't for the fact that through the mist, he saw hands coming out of the water. Thousands of them. The screams came crashing through the silence, reminding Jay that people were still attached to the hands, and that they were still alive. Jay made it to the edge of the water, the heat and steam more palpable as he reached out for some of the hands.

He found himself having difficulty trying to pull people out without finding himself getting pulled in. He managed to free the first person, their skin red and nearly melting off their bones to the point that he could hardly recognize them. Then, he pulled out the next person: Mouse.

Mouse was almost dead, eyes wide and clouded over. His skin was sloughing off as Jay attempted to get him onto the sidewalk. He worked to find if there was any pulse left in Mouse's body, and noticed that the skin on Mouse's chest was completely gone. The muscles had melted through the ribs, and he could see Mouse's heart beating through his ribs.

And watched, in horror, as Mouse's heart slowed to a stop.

Jay found himself shaking Mouse's body, trying to get his friend to wake up.

"Jay…"

* * *

"Jay," Erin groaned, half awake from Jay's shaking her shoulders.

Jay finally snapped awake, realizing what he'd done. "Sorry," he whispered, pulling his hands off of her shoulders and tucking them against himself.

"What's wrong?" she asked, still trying to wake up.

"Nothing," he said, rolling away from her.

She turned toward his back, and wrapped her arms around him. "What was it?"

"The river was boiling," he told her. "And… I watched Mouse die."

She nodded, knowing that the idea of Mouse going back into the military was starting to weigh more heavily on Jay's mind. "It was just a dream," she reminded him.

"Yeah, but what if…"

"You can't let the what ifs keep you up at night," she told him gently.

He shifted his weight as she kissed between his shoulder blades. "I know," he said quietly. "I wish I could stop it."

"I wish I could, too."

He turned again, facing her. She gave him a small smile, running her hand across his cheek. He offered a glimmer of a smile before kissing her cheek. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he exhaled softly, trying to relax enough to fall back asleep.

Erin, on the other hand, was out as soon as her head rested against him. He held her close, happy to be holding onto her still, and that she hadn't left him through all of this. He'd given her plenty of opportunity, but she was still here, and that had to mean something.

…Right?

* * *

"You tell me," Dr. Charles said.

"I think it does," Jay told him. "She hasn't run away. She hasn't left me. And, when the nightmares wake me up… she wakes up with me, and stays awake until I manage to calm down. Some nights, that takes hours, and some nights… some nights, it's a few minutes. So… I don't know. I'm just glad she's behind me."

"It's good to have her back there."

"I wish there was a way I could thank her."

"When the time feels right, you'll know what to do."

Jay leveled a half-smirk toward Dr. Charles. "Do you ever talk in complete thoughts?"

Dr. Charles laughed slightly. "It's my job to guide you toward your own solutions, not to give you answers. It's up to you to figure these things out. I just try to provide another way of looking at it."

"That's… I'm not sure. Is that what psychoanalyzing is?"

"Psychoanalyzing is looking between the words you're saying to find the hidden meaning. Psychotherapy is guiding you to a path for clarity and solutions that you come up with on your own, because you're more likely to act on something you come up with yourself."

"Are you calling me stubborn?" Jay teased.

"Not at all," Dr. Charles replied. "Bull-headed, maybe."

Jay laughed softly.

"So, let's get back to these dreams you've been having," Dr. Charles redirected. "This time, the river was boiling, and Mouse was drowning. This isn't the first time the river has come up in your dreams. Why do you think that is?"

Jay shrugged. "I don't know," he replied. "It almost seems like the river is when I feel overwhelmed, so maybe it has something to do with feeling like I'm drowning. But… I get these panic attacks, and then… I'm dreaming of fires, and deaths, and of being strangled… the dreams keep changing, but the theme is always the same: I'm alone. I'm alive, but I'm alone."

"What do you think that means?"

Jay shrugged again. "I don't know. Maybe that I feel alone, and that it's pushing people away from me, which is why they're all dying off, and I can't help them because I can't even help myself?"

"Is that how you feel?"

"Somedays, I guess. I mean, there are days where I feel fine, and like everything's okay and I'm ready to go back to work. And then, there are days when I just feel like I'm stuck, and the idea of getting out of bed is just too much. And then, some days start out fine and end up horrible, or some days start out horrible and end up being okay. I don't know what makes things change, I just know that they do."

"We don't always know why," Dr. Charles reminded him.

"Yeah, I know," Jay replied. "I just wish I could figure out what's behind it, so either I can avoid it, or I can manage it."

"Some triggers, I imagine, will make themselves more clear to you, as time goes on. Others, perhaps, never will. But knowing that you have a good group behind you… a stable relationship, a dedicated brother, a solid family of colleagues and friends… this can sometimes make finding the triggers a little less… cumbersome."

"Yeah, I know," Jay repeated. "I'm good at being patient, so I'm sure that helps."

"Yes, it does," Dr. Charles said. "Though, this isn't a trait that your brother exhibits all the time…"

Jay laughed. "Yeah, sometimes Will has no patience, and sometimes, he'll wait with you forever. There is no in between."

"How is he with you?"

"Patient. He's been good with the physical rehab, and good about the… well, this. He just… listens. Good sounding board."

"Has he always been?"

Jay scoffed. "Will and I have our fair share of being at each other's throats. It's just being brothers, you know? You love each other, would do anything for each other, but would just as easily be ready to kill the other for something that he did."

"That actually sounds like a good description of most sibling relationships."

"It's just… it's different this time," Jay added. "Because, it's not that one of us just lost a girlfriend, or like when our mom died… it's just… I was kidnapped, I was raped, and… and… and I'm just… just trying to survive."

Dr. Charles arched his eyebrows. "I think that may be the first time you've ever said that out loud," he commented.

Jay paused for a moment, thinking. "I think you're right."

"How did it feel?"

Jay furrowed his brow. "That's a weird question."

"Well, saying the word out loud… that's often a big step for people, especially when they're talking about what happened to them."

Jay shrugged. "I guess I didn't really think about it. Is that a good thing?"

"You tell me."

"I don't know. I mean, basically calling it what it is…"

"True. But, you weren't doing that before. You were mostly saying, 'when I was kidnapped,' or stopping yourself before saying anything about it. It's a step. How did it feel to you, to take that step?"

"I'm not sure," Jay replied honestly. "I guess it makes it just… real? I don't know. It's just hard to describe."

Dr. Charles nodded.

"Not bad, though," Jay added.

"That's good," Dr. Charles said.

Jay simply nodded.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: I'm sorry I suck so much at updating this story. My muse keeps wavering. :( Thank you to everyone who's stuck by this story through the gaps. I hope to be able to update again soon, but I make no guarantees. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review. :)

* * *

Twenty-One

Surveillance wasn't the most exciting job, but it was better than doing nothing. And it became even better when someone else was with you, which was one of the biggest reasons Mouse was happy to see Jay sit down with him. He offered his friend a beer as he kept his eyes on the monitors.

"What's up?" Jay asked.

"Just a case we're working… watching a guy's house," Mouse replied. "Everyone else is on the ground. What's up?"

Jay shrugged.

Mouse grabbed the walkie as the suspect appeared. "He's coming out the back," he informed the team.

"We got him," Atwater said.

Jay and Mouse watched as the team grabbed the suspect, cuffing him and bringing him toward the car. After that, Mouse turned off the monitor, looking at Jay.

"What's up?" Mouse asked again.

Jay shrugged, not saying much of anything.

"There's something you want to talk about," Mouse noted.

"I'm sorry," Jay said.

"For what?"

"For not being there for you. I should've stuck by you, the way you stuck by me."

"I knew you were there. You've got nothin' to apologize for."

"Doesn't feel like it." Jay took a drink from the beer as Mouse grabbed one for himself.

"That's not the real reason you came here," Mouse observed as he opened his beer.

"I don't know why I came here," Jay replied.

"Yes, you do. You just don't wanna say anythin' here. That's cool, man. I get it."

"What do you know?"

"About…?"

Jay took a deep breath.

"When you were kidnapped?" Mouse asked. At Jay's nod, Mouse said, "not much more than you've already told me."

"You have a really bad poker face," Jay said softly.

Mouse smirked before shrugging slightly. "I saw how they grabbed you," he told his friend. "I watched as they tracked back where you'd been to find the guys and put them away."

"You know about the forensics."

Mouse knew it was a loaded statement, and not even a question. "Yeah," he replied.

"You've known this whole time?"

Mouse nodded.

"You didn't say anything," Jay said quietly.

"Figured you'd talk about it when you felt like, or you wouldn't say anything at all. Never felt like it was my place to bring it up."

Jay nodded, more to himself than anything.

"I'm sorry, man," Mouse said.

"For knowing and saying nothing?" Jay asked.

"For what happened."

Jay bit his cheek lightly.

"I, uh, I know I don't know how… that… is, but I know a little about PTSD, and trying to rearrange your life to work within your new reality. I give you a lot of credit, man. You, at least, have stayed outta drugs and mostly away from alcohol. I never was able to."

"You do alright now," Jay said.

"Yeah, only because of you and this job," Mouse replied. "If you'd never gotten me the job, I'd never cleaned up. You know that."

Jay shrugged. "I don't know about that. I think you were headin' toward cleaning up before I got you in here."

"Guess we'll never know."

Jay took a drink.

"You know, if you ever wanna talk… I may not be a good shrink, but I'm here," Mouse said.

"I thought you were going back overseas?" Jay asked.

"Here's where I'm needed."

Jay recognized that there were definitely multiple meanings for that statement, but he chose to just nod instead, taking a drink from his beer.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: I'm so sorry for the long time between updates. My life feels like that moment right before you know the cars are going to collide, and there's just no more avoiding it, and you just have that knot in your stomach... except that's every day, and I've lost a lot of energy and creativity lately, but I've had a new inspiration that is helping to push this story along. And, I wish I could guarantee more frequent updates, but again, car wreck impending. At any rate, I thank you all so much for continuing to read and review this story. It means so much to me. Please see the first chapter for the disclaimer. This chapter kind of leads into the next one, so hopefully I won't keep you guys in suspense too long... And also, just as an FYI, I wrote this chapter before the episode of Chicago Med with their father aired... I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review. :)

* * *

Twenty-Two

She sat there silently, watching him sleep.

She had come to recognize the nuances of his sleep. The subtle changes of his breathing, the movements of his body. All indicators of what his mind was thinking as he slept. In his lighter sleeps, he'd lay almost perfectly still. Although, the slightest movement from her, or anything else in the room, would cause him to wake almost instantly, with him almost ready to fight.

When his sleep was somewhat deeper, he rolled over more, but not in a way that would worry her. She only got worried when he was sleeping deeply. Because that… that was when his subconscious attacked him, startled him, made him jump awake in a panic that would take him anywhere from five minutes to an hour to settle down from.

Like the kind of sleep he was in now.

And she hated the idea of waking him, because up until that panic point, he was finally getting the rest he needed. But, once he hit that panic point…

She closed her eyes as she noticed his breathing changing, heading toward that point. She knew it wouldn't be long before the thrashing began, along with the whimpering, the fighting, and everything else that went along with whatever was going on in the depths of his mind.

It wasn't every night. Most nights, it was the somewhat deeper. If something was troubling him, it'd be lighter. When he did sleep deeply, it was all too often followed by nights of light sleep, and she'd wonder if he'd ever be able to sleep deeply again without a nightmare.

The thrashing began, and she knew that at this point, she should probably wake him. But she had to time it right, or else he'd probably hit her. She'd come to learn this after a few solid blows to the ribs, which always made him feel even worse than he did, because the last thing he'd ever want to do is hurt her.

"You didn't mean it," she'd tell him.

But, she knew that he still took the brunt of the pain he unwillingly inflicted, and buried it somewhere in the depths of his soul. And, try as she might, she couldn't seem to unlock whatever was killing him from within.

He snapped awake on his own this time, panting heavily as he instinctively sat up and squirmed his back against the pillows. He pulled his knees up to his chest, and worked to steady his breathing.

She stayed where she was, not wanting to startle him.

After a few minutes, his breathing had slowed, and he had released his knees. He finally seemed to notice that she was watching, and turned to face her. "Sorry," he told her softly.

"You don't ever need to apologize," she replied.

"I know, but I'm gonna say it every time."

"I know." She shifted to sit next to him, with her back against the pillows of their bed. She took his hand in hers, and he squeezed it gently. "You want to talk about it?" she asked, as she had a thousand times before.

Every other time, he said no, or he shook his head, choosing to lean against her lightly. But, she felt his position change a little, almost as if he were building himself up for something. He inhaled deeply before exhaling slowly.

"There are some things that… that I should probably tell you," he started, his voice somewhat shaky. He took another deep breath, trying to steady himself further.

"Jay, you can tell me anything," she said, squeezing his hand. "I promise, nothing will change."

He closed his eyes briefly and swallowed as he nodded, taking another deep breath. "I know."

Erin nodded, but didn't say anything, letting him control the conversation.

"First off, I love you. And I love that you've been here, every night. That even though I'm… broken, and messed up, and all the things I never thought I'd ever be… you're still here. I love you."

"I love you too," she told him, not wanting to elaborate too much, knowing that there was more that he was going to say.

"I know that… that this was not what you signed up for. And that… that you could do much better than me. But I want to thank you for being here. And… and I wouldn't blame you if you left, because… because I'm not okay. And… and there are days where I think that I'm never going to be okay, ever again. That these nightmares… they're never going to end, and that I'm going to be this… this… less of a person, of a man, than I was before…"

He paused, closing his eyes as he swallowed.

"There's nothing less about you," she said softly.

He opened his eyes and smiled sadly at her. "There is right now," he replied. "And you… you deserve to know the truth… all of it. And I don't know if I'm going to get through it all at once, because… because there's a lot of it. But… but I'm gonna try."

She just nodded.

He looked down at their adjoined hands, taking another deep breath to steady himself. "Growing up in my neighborhood wasn't the easiest. I mean, you and I both know how Bunny is, but… I've never really told you about my father. He was… he was strict. Probably the only reason Will and I managed to get out of Canaryville without too much damage. But… it wasn't easy growing up. The only time I ever saw Dad look slightly proud was when I told him I was going into the Army.

"Will had it worse," he continued. "Will's always been the… I guess you'd call it free spirit, just kinda did whatever he wanted. Dad, he… he hated that. Never thought Will would amount to anything. Will had a lot of humanity, and compassion, and… and all those qualities you'd like to see in a doctor. He found his focus in medicine, but… he's always done whatever he's wanted. And I… I've spent a lot of time defending him to Dad, when we were younger. Being the buffer between them…" Jay sighed heavily. "Somehow, Will's still Dad's favorite. And, I'm sure that… that would only be… I mean, Dad wouldn't… I'm not something Dad would be proud of right now."

Erin squeezed his hand, which Jay knew was her way of contradicting his statement.

"I went overseas, and… and our convoy was ambushed," he continued. "And when I was healed, I just… being a cop made the most sense, so that's what I did. And… and you know what happened with Keyes, because… because you were there."

She nodded.

He shifted his weight subtly, taking a deep breath. "I… I know that I haven't… haven't said all that much to you about what happened, when I was kidnapped. At least… not the details. Just the… the part about me being… being raped." He took another deep breath, trying to steady himself. "And… and I think… I think that… that I owe you that much." He looked down at their hands, her holding his tightly. "And… and I'm sorry if… if I can't get through it."

"It's okay," she said softly. "You can say as much or as little as you want."

He nodded, keeping his eyes away from hers. "Well…"


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: I'm so sorry for making you all wait six months for the conclusion of that cliffhanger... I know it makes me a special kind of evil, but long story short, I've had a lot of physical and mental health challenges lately, lots of stress, too much to do and no time to do anything, so this story fell off my radar slightly. I'm so sorry. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review! :)

* * *

Twenty-Three

He shifted his weight, searching for a more comfortable position before starting was would, undoubtedly, be one of the hardest things he ever had to do. And, really, she'd told him that he didn't have to, but… but she deserved to know the truth. He took a shaky breath, closing his eyes briefly.

"They jumped me as I was walking out of Molly's," he started. "One of them, he grabbed my arms while the other… the other stuck a needle in my neck." He absently rubbed the spot where the needle had been placed, out of force of habit with the memory. "They… they shoved me in the back of a van, and then… I… I don't remember much about the ride. I guess whatever they gave me… it… it was pretty strong.

He took a deep breath before continuing, "I woke up on a mattress on the floor. My hands were… were tied behind my back. They had this… this collar thing ar-around my… my neck that was ch-chained to the f-floor. There was this… this ch-chain around my… my feet and… and it was locked and… and stuck to the floor."

He could feel his hands starting to shake, and he felt her reach out gently, taking both of them in hers as if to steady them. He tried to swallow the lump growing in his throat, but found himself not able to. Instead, he continued.

"They… they kept… kept drugging me," he said, his voice growing shakier and quieter. "They were… were determined to… to break me. They kept s-saying that n-no one was looking for me, and that… that I didn't mean anything to anyone. The… the drugs h-helped me to think that th-they may be right. But… but I knew… I knew that that… that wasn't true." He paused, taking a shaky breath. "They… they beat the hell out of me. I mean… I think you already know just how bad they kicked my ass there…

"You know me, I could take a beating any day of the week, and be just fine. Get up and walk away like nothing ever happened. But… I just… I don't know. They… they o-overpowered me. And they… they forced me to… to be their b-bottom. St-stuck it s-s-s-so f-far d-down m-my… my th-th-throat that… that I… I… I th-thought I w-was g-going to ch-choke." His entire body shook as he wrenched his eyes closed, finding his mind going back to that room, and to the horrors that lied within.

She squeezed his hand, bringing him out of the room and back to reality.

He swallowed hard, his body still shaking. "I… I st-started to… to pick at the… the ropes, o-on my wrists," he slowly continued. "I… I m-managed to g-get my hands fr-free. I just… just took the c-collar off and… and p-picked around the… the chain on m-my legs so that I… I could get free. And then… then I just… I just ran. I ran until I couldn't… couldn't move anymore, couldn't breathe anymore… I just… just collapsed.

"I could… could feel myself bleeding, and just… just freezing… and… and I knew that… that I was going to die. That e-even though I'd g-gotten away… the… the damage had b-been done and that… that I was just… just going to be in that alley and… and just… just die. And… and at some p-point, that… that seemed like a good id-idea… being dead. Because then… I… I wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't… have to deal with… with what they did. And then… then I heard Severide, and… and then, I woke up in the hospital."

She continued to hold his hands tightly as she cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry," he told her. "I'm sorry that… that I was so weak, and that… that I've been ready to give up. Hell, if… if it wasn't for Ruzek a few weeks ago, I probably… probably would have given up. I'm still… still weak, and still… still need help. I try to sleep and… and I see the ambush… and then Keyes, and… and this. It all just… just becomes one big nightmare of… of everything. I just wish I could make it stop."

She let go of his hand with one of hers, moving her left hand to his jawline. She gently lifted his face to make eye contact with him. She saw the tears he was holding back, and felt hers drift down her cheeks. "I wish I could make it stop for you," she told him softly. "I wish that… that I could just make this all better, but I can't. But you… you are not weak."

He averted his eyes.

"Jay, please, look at me," Erin asked gently.

Jay looked at her.

"You, are not weak. You are one of the _strongest_ people that I've ever known. You… what they did to you was… was wrong, but you survived. And… thank you, for feeling comfortable enough with me to tell me the details. And I'm proud of you, for telling me, and for surviving. For… for continuing to fight when… when you just feel like giving up. That… that's real strength right there.

"I love you," she continued. "That… that will never change. You are the best person, best man, I know. You're my best friend. And nothing, _nothing_ is ever going to change that. I can only imagine what you're going through, and… and I'm sorry that you have to deal with any of this, because you don't deserve it. But… I love you, and I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere. So… please… don't go anywhere on me, okay? Just keep fighting, keep pushing. Please don't give up."

He nodded, tears falling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"You have nothing to apologize for," she said.

"Yes, I do. I haven't… haven't been myself. I know that. And… and I'm going to be there."

"Jay… it's okay to not be okay."

He nodded, giving her a kiss before hugging her tightly. "I hate this," he said quietly as he kept crying. "I feel like… like some shell… like… a ghost or something. I don't… I don't want to live like this but… but I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do here, Erin."

"I know," she replied, tears cascading down her cheeks. "You'll be okay someday. You'll get through this."

He held her tighter in response.

* * *

"So, how did it make you feel to tell her?" Dr. Charles asked.

Jay shrugged. "Awkward, I guess," he replied. "Definitely wasn't easy. But… but I think… I think I feel a little… I don't know if better is the word, but… almost that she understands? I don't know. I guess it helped to tell someone."

Dr. Charles nodded.

"A while ago, I had talked to Voight," Jay continued. "About… going back to work, and about if I'd still have a spot. And… he started talking about the details and I just… I couldn't hear it."

"But now, you're able to say it," Dr. Charles pointed out.

"Yeah. Not very well, but… yeah."

"That's a good thing, Jay. That's progress."

"Yeah, I know." Jay shifted his weight. "I took the physical yesterday."

"How'd you do?"

"I passed. Cleared physically for full duty."

"That's great. Congratulations."

"Thanks." Jay bit the inside of his lip. "The psych eval is on Monday."

"And, you're worried about it?"

"No. I think I could pass it."

"Then, what's worrying you?"

"What if I'm just not ready to go back to work?"


	24. Chapter 24

A/N: This is typically where I go on another long diatribe of an apology, but I'll sum it up this time: Life's busy, and I suck. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. Thank you to anyone and everyone who's still reading and reviewing this. I hope you enjoy this one. :)

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Twenty-Four

He didn't know what to expect.

She had driven them in this morning, but he still wasn't sure what it would be like, to finally be back to work. Months after his ordeal, and he didn't know what he was going to do. She had sensed his nerves, and tried to calm him, but she realized quickly that it wasn't helping.

He walked through the front doors of the district, nerves creeping it at seeing familiar faces, and some that were less familiar. Everyone was talking, and seemingly oblivious to him, which was something that he was mildly thankful for.

"Nice to see you walking in the front instead of sneaking around the back," Platt said, looking at Jay. "Welcome back."

"Thanks, Sarge," he said.

She nodded, turning back to the desk as he and Erin made their way upstairs. Once they hit the top of the stairs, Kevin said, "oh, look at this. Welcome back, brother." Jay and Kevin clapped hands and hugged with the other arm.

Al greeted Jay the same way, while Kim offered him a hug. Jay walked over to the guy he didn't recognize, offering his hand. "Jay Halstead," he said.

"Kenny Rixton," he replied, shaking Jay's hand.

"Welcome."

"Thanks."

"Where's Ruzek at?" Jay asked the rest of the team.

"He's on an undercover assignment," Hank said as he came out of his office. "Welcome back."

Jay shook Hank's hand. "Thanks, Sarge."

"Jay's gonna be doing some deskwork for us for a little while," Hank addressed the rest of the group, while Jay took his place behind his desk.

"Good to have you back," Kim said.

"Thanks, guys," Jay said with a small smile.

"Alright," Hank said, putting a file on Jay's desk. "Jay, catch up on the case. Atwater, you and Burgess go meet up with the victim's wife. Al, you and Rixton go to his work, see what you can find out about him from there. Erin and I are gonna go talk to the mistress."

"Wife and a mistress?" Jay said. "One of them knocked him off. I'm calling it now."

Erin smirked.

* * *

"Intelligence, Detective Halstead," Jay answered as Hank walked around the corner. He nodded to Jay, and then to his office as he walked in. "Okay, ma'am, I'm gonna have to put you on hold just for a minute, okay?" Jay looked across the squad room at Erin, the only other person working late that night. "Line 3, some woman who says she has some information for you."

"Got it," she said, picking up the phone.

Jay stood, making his way into Hank's office.

"Close the door," Hank said.

Jay did as he was told before sitting down in one of the chairs. Hank stood up, walking around his desk to sit in the other chair next to Jay. Hank didn't speak, just watching Jay. Jay looked back at him.

"Something I can help you with, Sarge?" Jay asked.

"How you doin'?" Hank replied.

Jay shrugged. "I'm good. I mean, I'm behind a desk, so it's not like I'm doing much."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know," Jay conceded.

Hank watched the younger man, waiting for a response.

"I'm surviving," Jay answered honestly. "I can't say it's been easy… for me, for Erin, for Will… but, I'm here. And, I feel okay with being here. I know I still have… there's still a lot I gotta… gotta deal with. But… but I think I'm getting somewhere."

Hank nodded.

"Thanks for giving me the time to… to try to get my shit together," Jay continued. "I know it… it would've been real easy to just… just replace me and move on to someone who… who could still do the job."

"No one said you can't," Hank said.

"I know. I appreciate you letting me do light duty for now, though."

"Dr. Charles suggested it."

Jay arched his eyebrows slightly before smirking. "Guess I should thank him, then," he said.

Hank smirked lightly.

"I think I'm gonna be okay," Jay said sincerely, looking at Hank.

Hank nodded, but didn't say anything else.

Jay snorted softly. "First time I've said that."

Hank nodded again, noticing that Jay actually believed in what he was saying. A lot had changed since the night he'd come by the district for a late-night chat. And in some ways, Hank could tell that Jay did still have quite a ways to go, but he also knew that Jay could believe there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

"I, uh, I should probably get back to work," Jay said.

"Yeah," Hank said.

"Thanks, Sarge."

Hank didn't reply as Jay turned and walked out of his office.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: I am so, so horrible. I'm so sorry. I've just been struggling lately in a lot of ways, so everything, including writing, has fell by the wayside. The good news is that I have figured out where this is going and how it's going to end. I thank you in advance for returning to this story, and my plan is to have this finished by the end of the month. (*fingers crossed*). Anyway, see the first chapter for the disclaimer. The lyrics are from "Kody" by Matchbox 20, which I definitely do not own. I hope you guys enjoy this one, and please review!

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Twenty-Five

 _He watched the light shine down on the broken glass, and thought, 'well, I don't got no reasons,'_

Jay took a drink from his coffee, sitting with his feet dangling off the edge of the Riverwalk. The night was still… calm… serene…

Silent.

He pinched his arm, keeping himself grounded in reality, and reminding himself that this was neither a dream nor a nightmare. This was Sunday night, at 2 in the morning, while most of Chicago slept and readied for another Monday morning. And he was sitting on the Riverwalk, drinking coffee, because he couldn't sleep.

He could practically hear Erin in his head, reminding him that coffee wasn't good for someone when they were already having insomnia, but for Jay, the warmth of the bitter liquid seemed to settle him more than awaken him. He had come to realize that most of his nights were spent having little to no sleep. And yet, he'd make it back to work the next morning, ready to take on the day.

Erin asked him to tell Dr. Charles that he wasn't sleeping, but Jay had told him so many times, and that the medications weren't all that helpful, because while they could _physically_ make him tired and more relaxed, they did nothing to stop him from thinking. They didn't stop the dreams, the nightmares. They didn't make anything better.

And Jay wondered if anything ever would.

 _We kept this hat of broken dreams, and we pulled them out when we needed them around…_

He swirled the coffee in his hand, feeling the warmth from the liquid contrasting against the chill of the night. He knew that he should know better than to be sitting out at 2am, but there was not too much of a breeze tonight. He took a drink from the cup before looking back to the water below, watching the lights dance along the surface as the flow rippled between the concrete.

He felt a sudden warmth, and did a double take, ensuring that the water was not boiling. No, not tonight. He heaved a sigh, thankful that his nightmares weren't coming true when he hadn't been paying attention. He watched the flow of the river, noticing how it looked both swift and still at the same time.

Was that even possible?

Or was sleep deprivation starting to mess with his mind?

He pinched himself again to bring himself back into the moment, finding that to be more of a grounding influence than anything else he'd tried. Dr. Charles kept telling him that it wasn't really the best way to react when his mind drifted off, he was supposed to run through his senses to ground himself back into reality, and not his mind-fucked world that he couldn't ever seem to escape. Jay had realized that pinching brought him back quicker.

Because even his senses sometimes turned against him…

 _I don't sleep that good anyway, and if you've never heard that silence, it's a God awful sound…_

The silence was what got to him more than anything else. With the lights, he couldn't see the twinkle of the stars, but he knew they were there. But the lack of foot traffic, the lack of cars… hell, the lack of anyone other than himself seemed to reign supreme around him, reminding him that he was alone here.

Not alone in Chicago, per se, but alone in this little spot on the Riverwalk.

Well, he _was_ alone, anyway.

Jay didn't bother to turn to see who was walking up behind him, because he had already figured out who it was by the footsteps alone. Adam made his way over and sat down alongside Jay, maintaining a foot of distance between them, but still sitting there.

"What brings you here?" Jay asked, looking over at the younger man.

"I could ask you the same thing," Adam replied, taking a drink from the cup in his hand.

"Can't sleep."

"Same here."

Jay furrowed his brow. "What's keeping you up tonight?"

Adam just shook his head. "You first," he said.

 _Please give me direction, I think the hurt set in. I don't feel nothing… yet…_

"I haven't been able to sleep since I was kidnapped," Jay told Adam. "Now, what's your excuse?"

"I forgot what sleep is," Adam replied, taking a drink from his coffee.

"It's that thing that happens when you close your eyes…"

"Yeah, I know that, smartass."

Jay smirked.

"Haven't slept in a long time," Adam added.

"How come?" Jay asked.

Adam chuckled bitterly. "So many reasons."

"Burgess?"

Adam sighed heavily. "Every mistake I've ever made."

"You've been engaged, what, four times?"

Adam shook his head. "Don't remind me," he muttered.

Jay shrugged. "Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I was married once… for a few minutes," he said. "Or, at least, I thought it was only a few minutes. Found out yesterday that apparently, I'm still married."

Adam laughed slightly. "I'm sorry, how do you not know that you're married?"

Jay shook his head. "I signed the papers, she didn't. So, I need to figure that out, along with everything else in my life right now…"

Adam continued laughing. "I'm sorry, man. I am. But, come on now."

"If you keep laughing, I'm shoving you into the river."

"Okay, okay. I'll stop. I'm sorry."

 _I've seen a lot of good things die, and I'm in an overemotional way_

Jay shook his head again, shoving Adam playfully on the arm. Adam smirked. "What's her name?" he asked.

"Whose?" Jay replied.

"The should-be ex-wife."

"Abby."

"Cute?"

Jay gave him a look.

"What?" Adam asked. "I'm not looking to hit on her or anything."

"Yeah, she's good looking, but she's trouble," Jay told him. "Just a big mistake."

"Most women are trouble."

"Not Erin." Jay shook his head. "Gotta figure this one out."

"Yeah, well, you'll get there. And if not, I'm game for a boxing match."

"Yeah, not gonna happen."

"Why, afraid you'll lose?" Adam taunted.

"I don't think Voight would like it if you didn't come in the next day," Jay teased back.

"Keep dreamin', bro."

 _And please give me direction, I think I just caved in… but it ain't nothing_


	26. Chapter 26

A/N: I hope you guys are still enjoying this story. See the first chapter for the disclaimer. I hope you enjoy this one, and please review!

* * *

Twenty-Six

His hands were wrapped around the glass, staring at the liquid within. He was watching the bubbles make their way to the surface before popping into the air. And for a moment, he found himself wondering where, exactly, the bubbles went…

"Dude, you're drunk."

Jay tilted his head curiously at his brother. "What?" he said.

"I said, you're drunk," Will told him.

"No, I'm not."

"You just asked where the bubbles from your beer go."

Jay furrowed his brow. "I did?"

"Are you that drunk that you don't know your inside voice from your outside voice?"

Jay shrugged. "I might be."

Will shook his head. "Okay, no more for you."

"Hey, I'm still making words. I'm not that drunk yet."

"Speaking, yes. In English? Questionable."

"You're questionable."

Will nodded, opting not to say much more. Experience had taught him not to say much more when Jay was like this. Jay was more apt to get more aggressive than anything when he was in one of these moods while drinking.

Hermann glanced at the two of them from behind the bar, but didn't say anything.

Jay chugged the rest of his beer before signaling to Hermann for another one. Hermann looked over at Will, who shrugged, but didn't say anything.

"I think you may have had enough there," Hermann said, leaning on the bar in Jay's direction.

"Just one more," Jay asked.

Hermann looked over at Will.

"I'll get him home," Will assured him.

"Alright, fine," Hermann said, leaning back and getting Jay another beer.

"Thank you," Jay said, taking a drink from the beer.

Will shook his head, drinking from his own drink.

* * *

"You remember Nadia?" Jay asked as he stumbled through the door of his apartment while his brother attempted to guide him.

"Nadia?" Will asked, confused. The whole way back to Jay's apartment had been silent, and he chose this moment to talk?

"Yeah, the young… girl… Lindsay's friend…"

"Yeah, I remember her," Will said absently as he helped Jay onto the couch.

"D'ya know it's been two years?" Jay slurred as he kicked off his shoes. Or, at least, attempted to, causing Will to offer assistance before he caught one of Jay's shoes in his face.

"Two years?"

Jay huffed. "Are you even listening?"

"Yes," Will said as he sat down on another chair in the room. "I'm just not sure what we're talking about."

"Two years ago, today, we found her body in New York," Jay muttered.

"Right," Will breathed, finally putting the pieces together in his mind. "Also, two years since I've been a homicide suspect. And I still keep forgetting to add that to my resume…"

Jay half-laughed.

Will didn't add anything else at the moment, trying to get through the remaining alcohol in his own brain to figure out where Jay's head was.

"I hate to say it, man, but she was lucky," Jay said.

"What?" Will asked.

Jay scoffed. "I mean, not _that_ lucky… Yates… he… what he did to her was… was _brutal_. But… at least he killed her."

Will furrowed his brows.

Jay let out a slight, bitter snort. "She went through hell… and she died. She didn't… didn't have to figure out… figure out how to… to move on. Because… there was no moving on for her. That was it for her." Jay shook his head. "God rest her soul, but… I… I can't… it's just… it's too hard."

"What is?" Will asked gently.

Jay shook his head again. "This."

"Talking?"

"Talking… trying to live… trying to re… frag… ran… whatever, your world around your new reality… it fucking sucks, man. I used to be… used to be so strong, and now… now, I'm trying not to cry right fucking now. I've become so weak…"

Will was about to interject to say that Jay wasn't weak, but he thought better of it.

"I'm back in the field," Jay commented. "And… and I'm seeing… seeing dead bodies, and I see Nadia, and I see the guys I fought with, and I see… I see all the reasons why I should be right there with them." Jay swallowed hard as tears began to form at the corners of his eyes.

"You don't belong there with them," Will said softly.

"Why the hell not?!" Jay snapped back angrily.

"I wish I had the answer to that one. But, I do believe that you're still here for a reason."

"Yeah, to punish me for all the shit I've done. The lives I've taken… instead of waiting until I'm gone, why not start hell now?" Jay scoffed, aggravation creeping into his features. "I'm a fucking monster, so I got what I deserved."

"No," Will said.

Jay shot him an angry look.

"You can make that face all you want, but that doesn't change anything. You didn't deserve this. And yes, we all have things we have to atone for when we die, but… I refuse to believe that you've been made to live in hell on earth."

"So, then what's you're fucking explanation, oh wise one?" Jay growled at Will.

"I think you'll find that out."

"Oh, fuck you."

Will shrugged, absorbing the verbal blows from his brother, just as he had been for the past few months. "I mean that, Jay," he said. "One day, you'll get some level of understanding. Hell, I sure did…"

"Getting sued for battery is not the same fucking thing," Jay sniped.

"You're right, it's not. But, it did give me a different level of understanding. You can't always save everyone. I know you know that one as well as I do. You've seen it firsthand, just like I have. Different settings, but same concept. Can't save everyone."

Will watched as the anger dissipated from his older brother, being replaced once again by a profound sadness that Will knew that, unless he were in his brother's shoes, he would never understand.

"What if I can't be saved?" Jay asked, choking back a new round of tears.

"Hey, you're on the rescue boat already," Will said. "It just takes a little while to get to shore. And, sure, there will be days where you feel like you're back out in the middle of the ocean, back to drowning, but you're not. You're getting there."

Jay considered that for a moment before smirking slightly. "That was the dumbest fucking analogy I've ever heard."

Will chuckled.


End file.
